Five minutes later, Matt fills it. His hand grips Cole’s shoulder and gives it a squeeze before falling to his lap. His other arm drapes around my shoulder.
He leaves it there, fingers softly brushing my skin, replacing the anxiety I felt earlier with something else. Something that carries the same nervous buzz, but somehow feels calming at the same time.
He leans into Cole, whispering something in his ear, and Cole smiles. Hesmiles.It’s small and barely noticeable, but still, asmile.
Matt’s lips press to my temple, warm and soft. My stomach bows, a tremor of heat shooting up into my chest. My fingers fidget in my lap. My gaze flicks from Matt, to Cole, to the casket right in front of me.
An overwhelming rush of emotion hits all at once. Confusion. Grief. Fear.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
Not yet. Not before the service even begins.
A few minutes later, the priest steps forward, standing front and center. He welcomes everyone and begins the service with a prayer.
Sometime between now andtwenty minutes ago, Matt’s hand found mine, and now they’re both resting in my lap.
And honestly? It feels like the most natural thing in the world.
How can I love that so much and hate it at the same time?
The priest has been going on for a while now, delivering his sermon. It’s been nice. I’ve even gotten teary-eyed a few times, but it’s starting to drag.
I keep stealing glances at Matt. He’s restless, shifting every few minutes, letting out heavy breaths.
He hates this. Anything to do with church and Mass.
He grew up going every week with his mother. He was even an altar boy. It was something he always dreaded, but back then, he would have done anything to please her.
He stopped going around eighth grade, when he realized he’d rather be at Jensen’s, watching football with his family. It was a placehe didn’t have to earn approval just for existing. Something every kid aches for.
“Nate now rests in the peace of the Lord…”
Matt leans in, his lips brushing the shell of my ear. “This is bullshit,” he mutters, voice barely there. “Nate didn’t even believe in an afterlife.”
There’s no anger in it. Just loyalty. Just… Matt being Matt.
There are so many things I could say to that. One of them beingdon’t say bullshit in the middle of Mass.
Instead, my lips curve into a soft smile, and I squeeze his hand, letting him know I hear him. That I understand.
Restless myself, I twist slightly, scanning the crowd. My gaze catches on Jensen’s.
God, he looks like he’d rather be eating rocks.
He nudges Alley, whispers something, then nods toward me. She follows his line of sight and smiles when she sees me, mouthing ahi,and giving a subtle wave.
I return it with a smile. I’m in the front row. I obviously can’t wave or mouth words, but I’m excited to see them afterward. It’s been way too damn long.
They were both at the wedding. But we all know how that turned out.
I didn’t get to see or speak to them. It’s probably been over a year since I have.
Another thirtylongminutes pass, and by the time the priest blesses the casket and offers his closing remarks, there isn’t a dry eye in the room.
Matt stands, joining the other pallbearers as they gather around the casket.
My stomach clenches when I see his father step in beside him. Matt goes rigid.
