I start to shrug, tell her I don’t know—steer the conversation in a different direction.
But I stop myself.
This is Alley.
We lean on each other. Not like I do with Jensen or Megan.
It’s the kind of bond you get from watching someone you love throw everything away for drugs, and being the only two people who know. The kind of fear that takes over every rational decision because you care that much.
Alley isn’t just like a sister to me. She was the one person I could talk to when Jensen was deep in his addiction. And I was hers when she almost lost her husband.
I look at her, that sweet smile, the hope in her eyes for me, the dark circles and messy hair from giving birth today.
Christ.
She’s a rockstar.
And then I picture Jordan again, holding Roman.
Emotion hits me so fast I don’t even have time to stop it. My eyes sting with tears and I know she can see it.
“Can I tell you something?” I finally say, voice thick.
“Of course you can.”
“I’ve always felt good about the things I’ve earned,” I say. “Not in an entitled way. Just… I worked my ass off for my life. I deserve it.”
Alley watches me, quiet.
“But now?” I let out a breath that feels like it’s been trapped in my chest for the last few hours. “Now it feels like everything I want actually matters. And that’s new for me.”
Her brows knit together.
“Jordan. Cole. I spent a long time not wanting any of this. And it’s the first time I’ve ever wanted anything more than just her. A family. A house. Dogs. Kids. The whole thing.” I scrub a hand over my face. “But God… I don’t know if I deserve all that.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Fuck,” I mutter. “I’ve slept with so many women.” I bring my gaze back to her. “I’ve wasted so much time. And what do I do when Cole’s old enough to learn about my past? Because I know he will. All you have to do is one Google search.”
My throat tightens. “I don’t want to lose Cole. Or her. I don’t want to screw this up. I want to give Jordan the life she’s always wanted, and I’m scared shitless that I’m going to wake up in five weeks and everything that matters to me will be gone.”
“Matt…” she says softly.
I look at her, my eyes burning—this close to losing it. “I’m so in love with her, Al.” I huff out a laugh. “And if you ever tell Jensen I said that, I’ll deny it until the day I fucking die.”
Her eyes glisten and she lets out a quiet laugh. “Dammit. Don’t make me cry. I’m hormonal and tired.” She swipes a finger under her eyes. “You know Jensen already knows you love Jordan. We all do. It’s one of the first things he told me whenI met you.”
“I know. But I’m still not admitting it to him.”
She shifts Roman in her arms, bringing him to the other side, then looks at me. “Do you really think one court decision gets to decide whether you deserve the life you want with her? That’s a dangerous place to put your heart, Matt.”
I shrug. “I know… but everything I want relies on that one decision and her staying married to me. On her choosing me, regardless of the outcome with Cole.” I pause, rubbing a hand over the scruff on my chin as the reality of the past sinks in. “And she always leaves, Al. I’m almost afraid to get too attached. I keep telling myself to prepare for the worst.”
She stares at me for a beat, then exhales. “You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learned after everything I’ve been through with Jensen, it’s how important trust and communication are. Things will never work out between you two if you can’t trust her with your heart. You either give it to her completely, or you walk away and be done. You’ve both lived in this limbo for so long—the back and forth…” She shakes her head. “You both love each other. What else matters?”
I’m about to respond when the door opens, and Jensen and Jordan’s laughter spills into the room.
I gather myself and stand, giving Alley a small smile.
I meet Jordan’s gaze. “You ready to go, babe?”
