I attempted to ignore them, but the screams and heat of that day surged through my nerves, and tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Give me that.” He took the fire torch from my hand, and I stepped back.
I looked at my shaking fingers, drawing my knees tightly to my chest. Confusion overwhelmed me as my heart raced and my breath turned shallow. In an instant, I felt a desperate struggle to breathe. I closed my eyes, attempting to soothe my chest with gentle rubs.
I heard the distant sound of his placing the water-filled vessel on the stove. Suddenly, he wrapped his arm around me, and I couldn’t help but burst into tears.
“It’s alright, take a deep breath, she’ll be fine,” he said, caressing my arm.
I tightened my fist around his wrist, turned slightly, and pressed my face against his chest. Then I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his hand resting on my head.
“Calm down; you need to give her strength. It’s okay; everything is fine,” he said, and I tried not to look at the fire.
He shifted in front of me, obstructing the view of the fire, and I attempted to calm my pounding heartbeat.
“Focus on your breathing,” he said, rubbing my back.“Calm down.”
I didn’t know what was happening to me, but his words kept me grounded. He kept caressing my head until my heartbeat and breathing returned to a normal rhythm. The water had warmed up, and I tried to stand.
“I have to go,” my voice wavered.
He looked at me and suggested,“I’ll take it.”
I immediately shook my head and pushed his hand away.“You can’t,” I said, standing up, grabbing the edges of the vessels with the cloth.
I hastened back to Nandani’s chamber. Her screams had only grown louder. I placed the vessel near the physicians.
The sight of blood flowing down her legs frightened me. Princess Aishwarya offered strength, muttering encouraging words, and gently caressed her head.
Ranaji entered and sat beside her, taking her hand.“Come on, Nandani,” he said, prompting her to cry out loudly.
Her anguished screams made my knees weak. But I couldn’t just leave like that. The memories of lying on that pyre clouded my vision.
I blinked, attempting to clear my thoughts, but it felt impossible.
“Come on, Nandani, push!” Ranaji urged, as she threw her legs and stretched her body in pain.
“I can’t, Rudra! I can’t!” Her screams grew louder, and I did my best to assist the physicians with whatever they needed, trying not to focus on those painful thoughts.
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6. Agastya
As I marched through the gallery, my fingers trembled. After sending the letter to Mahabaleshgarh, I rushed to Bhai-sa’s chamber. But I stopped like any other man waiting outside their bedroom.
I could hear Bhabhi-sa’s screams. I had never heard a voice so intense and painful in my life, except for once, when I saw her lying on that pyre.
Strangely, life and death can make you cry the same.
I didn’t know why, but these screams, though they signalled good news and a new family member, brought back memories of her painful screams.
It’s been over a month, yet the image of that pyre, her lying there alive, a man lighting the flames, and the crowd awaiting to hear her screams remains as vivid as that reality was. Dangerous—something that could break someone for the rest of their life.
I didn’t know what came to my mind when I read her letter. I had known her as much as I had known the soldiers of our army—living in the same palace, but with little to no interaction. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from saving her.
But our conversations were no longer reduced to formal messages. I understood it meant nothing, at least not for either of us. Yet, the incident left me with a deep sense of guilt.
I couldn’t erase the visuals of her crying in my arms, her tiny hands, which used to serve food to me, fisted on my clothes, and her voice, trembling, crying, begging, that used to bring me messages from Bhabhi-sa. Everything told me she was a nice person, that she didn’t deserve to die.
