Suddenly, he leaned closer, and my heart raced while my breathing quickened. My lips quivered, but he stopped just an inch away.
My flickering gaze dropped to his soft, full lips, and then to his eyes.
“I’m not making any commitments, Kunwar-sa,” I whispered, and he shook his head.
“I don’t need commitments.”
I gulped nervously and asked,“What would this mean?”
He gulped, looking into my eyes.“Anything you want it to mean?”
I clenched my hands tightly and closed my eyes slightly in fear.
I waited, feeling the air rising to greet his lips on mine, but I felt those soft, dark pink petals against my nose.
Calming down instantly, I loosened my grip and opened my eyes to meet his.
“You should go now,” he said, and I didn’t understand why it tightened my chest.
“Okay,” I muttered.
As his hand slipped away from mine, an ache bubbled within me, a longing to forget everything and hold him tightly for both our sakes. I felt a heaviness inside me; I wanted to kiss him and tell him I was scared, but I still wanted to be with him.
However, the fear of being hurt again won out, and I silently stood to leave.
When I took a few steps away, letting the water drop off my clothes, he called out,“Suman,”
I turned back immediately.“Ji?”
“A shawl will be there; take it; it must be windy, or you’ll catch a cold.”
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26. Agastya
Iwas surprised at the depth of my sadness when she left.
I realised I shouldn’t have pressured her into coming to me. She’d fall harder for me without noticing if we kept seeing each other.
I rubbed my face and sighed with frustration.
This was a perfect example of a fucked-up life. You have a wife, but you don’t. You love someone, but you can’t tell her.
She was right, there was no doubt about it. But I didn’t know I would fall in love after what had happened in my past. After sleeping with that married princess, I was sure I wouldn’t find love, so I didn’t feel compelled to be better.
What I unconsciously manifested became my reality. I didn’t realise that my fear had turned into darkness, but I felt I should stay away from her.
My presence wouldn’t offer her any comfort, only trauma. I also didn’t want a sympathetic relationship.
I knew I’d just saved her and put the vermilion in her hair to protect her. That didn’t mean she had to be with me.
Oh God! Please, make me forget everything; I’m begging you.
After a deep breath, I exited the bath and changed into fresh clothes. I had already caused her enough pain. She didn’t need me, and she had made no commitments.
I couldn’t keep her against my will. I had to move on, for both our sakes.
I returned to my bedroom, gathered some papers and an inkpot, and prepared a plan for Mehrangarh.
