My heart sank deeper as I noticed his swollen eyes and washed-out face. It seemed as if he hadn’t slept well the night before, and the vision of last night appeared before me. Everything he told me flooded my mind, and I lowered my gaze to the princess.
“The princess is enjoying your company,” I added, and he looked down at her.
He was lying on his chest, his face on his elbows, and his chin on his fist.
“Hey, my sweet baby,” he smiled, looking at the princess, and she laughed.
A smile appeared on my face, and I looked at him as he feathered her cheek. She closed her eyes sleepily.
“Don’t make her fall asleep,” I said, and he glanced at me with furrowed brows.
“Why?” I looked at the princess and began pulling the comforter down to her waist and untying her tiny clothes.
“Because she won’t sleep after her bath. She needs to rest after taking a bath,” I explained, and the princess smiled at me.
“Oh,” he muttered, and I noticed his finger helping me untie her clothes as he asked in a slow voice,“Suman, are you okay?”
I lowered my gaze at the change in his tone and tried to reassure him,“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me.“Do you hate me?” he asked, and I didn’t know what to say.
Suddenly, I felt as if I couldn’t love him. I felt disgusted. I knew he had saved me, but there was something that had happened last night that I couldn’t comprehend. However, I didn’t hate him.
“No, I don’t,” I intoned, pouring oil in my palm, rubbing my hands together to warm it before gently pressing them against the princess’s chest.
“What are you thinking, Suman?” he asked in a low, pleading tone, and I shook my head.
“I don’t know, Kunwar-sa,” I replied, massaging the princess. She turned silent, feeling my hands on her.
“Are you upset?” he asked, and I lifted my gaze to him, asking,“Why are you worried? Don’t you have anything else to do?”
He lowered his gaze and nodded.“I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t know what I was doing, Suman. I just wanted some love and affection,”
I massaged the princess's hand.
“So, did you get any?” I asked, and he shook his head.
“Please, Suman, I’m sorry. You know I’ve changed. I won’t hurt you,” he said, and I shook my head.
“I don’t know, Kunwar-sa. It feels like something is missing,” I said, and suddenly he held my wrist, making me look at him.
“What is missing, Suman?” he asked pleadingly, and I shook my head again.
“I don’t know. I don’t see you as any different from my late husband, Kunwar-sa,” I couldn’t help but say, and he fell silent.
He gritted his teeth and lowered his gaze, releasing my wrist.
“Oh.”
“You both went to brothels, slept with women, and I can handle anything but that,” I said, biting my lip, trying not to break into tears.
“It feels like a trap, Kunwar-sa. Since the day my husband left me, I’ve been running from men. I’m running from feelings, emotions, and relationships. After him, I didn’t dare look into any man’s eyes. I felt restless if any man came near me. And after realising there’s no difference between you and him, I can’t do this. I can’t go through that pain again. I can’t accept it,” I explained, my eyes welling with tears.
“I mean, I’m not anyone special to you. You saved me, and we were drawn to each other, but I don’t know; after hearing your past, I can’t see you as my husband. I feel it would hurt me. I don’t know how to trust you or accept what’s happening right now,” I inhaled deeply, trying to regain my composure, a single tear rolling down my cheek.
“I’m scared, Kunwar-sa. It feels like I won’t be able to handle that again. And I don’t want to see you in pain either. It would hurt you, too, if I couldn’t trust you. It would hurt you if I looked at you with suspicion. I know you aren’t the same person anymore, but I can’t; I won’t be able to handle it, especially after learning that…” I lowered my gaze and bit my trembling lip.
“It’s okay,” I heard his hoarse voice, breaking my heart.“It's okay. I understand,” he inhaled deeply.“I know it’s difficult, and I understand. It’s totally fine with me. You… you deserve to be happy; you don’t need me, I mean…” He sighed deeply, lowering his gaze.“You’re right. You’re right. You… deserve someone good… and… and, I think… I think I should go,”
