“Then why is she crying upstairs?” She stood, hands on hips, waiting for his response. “She should be singing with joy, not wallowing in misery.”
She was crying upstairs. Damn and blast it. He was making a right royal mess of this. “I really do not need this lecture right now.” Tony went to the sideboard and poured himself a drink.
“Is it perhaps because you made her feel like your stupid position with Lord Stafford was more important than her? Could it be that you have broken her heart simply because you are too cowardly to choose her over everything else? Because that is what love is, Tony. If you love her, really love her, it would not even be a choice. Positions come and go but true love? Do not throw that away.” She was panting with anger by the time she had finished, her face flushed and her hands in fists at her side.
This was a side of his sister he had never seen, and she had told him off plenty of times. Usually more subtlety was involved, but still. She was right, and she was wrong. Keep his job and lose the love of his life and be miserable, or keep her love and lose his position and be miserable. There was no middle ground for him to cling to.
“You do not understand, Marianne. Love is not always black and white. There are many things to consider.”
“Then consider them and get on with it. She gave up Dunstan for you, just remember that. She could have been acountessbut instead she chose you because she lovesyou. Not your jobor your sense of duty to it. You. She loves you. Idiot!” She then turned on her heel and stomped out of the room.
Tony stood there, stunned. His drink was halfway to his mouth. Firstly, that his mild-mannered sister had called him an idiot and secondly, because she had made some valid points.
He thought Lucinda understood. He was not saying he would never marry her, just not now. She was still young, and he needed time to find out who he could be if he were not a spy. He wanted to be worthy of her because he had no title to offer her.She could have been a countess.It was true, but she had decided not to marry Dunstan. He had not asked her to, not for his sake. He could not stand the thought of her crying upstairs, either. He had a lot to think about, and he needed to do it quickly.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Tony was usedto creeping around in the dark. He made it up the stairs and down the hall without making a sound. He heard the soft snoring of his mother as he passed her room. A few more steps and he would be in Lucinda’s room. He turned the knob. Turned it and pushed the door open. He expected to see the shape of someone sleeping in the bed, but the covers were flat. Strange. He peeked into the small dressing room. Empty. His heartbeat accelerated. Where was she?
He stopped being quiet as he ran back downstairs. He had only wanted to talk to her without the ears and eyes of his sister and mother on them. To explain himself. He had to tell her how much he loved her and work out a plan with her. He checked the kitchen, the front parlor, and when he checked the library, he saw her sitting there, in front of the fire, wrapped in a blanket. Her hair was not braided, and it cascaded over her shoulders in waves of red-hot lava. So beautiful. He closed the door with a click.
“Could you not sleep?” he asked softly.
“No.”
“Am I the reason?”
She looked up at him. Her face was pale. “Partly. I seem to make the same mistakes all the time.”
“What mistakes are you talking of?”
“I keep thinking that I deserve things, but I realize that I have done nothing to earn them. I thought it was owed to me, that the things I yearned for would land in my lap and it is not so.”
“It is a waste of time to think like this, Lucinda. You deserve the world. You are a good person who has had a tough life, but you are in charge of your destiny now.”
“Am I? Am I really? I can do nothing for myself. I must marry to have what I want but what I want…” She shook her head. “It does not matter. As soon as this is over I will go and live with my grandfather. You will be free to be who you are without the weight of me on your mind and heart.”
“Lucinda. I do not want to be free of you. I went to your room so I could talk to you. To explain that I do want to marry you. I just need time. Time to find out how I will be able to look after you when we do marry. You do deserve the world, and I want to give it to you.”
“You will have my dowry and my inheritance. Is that not enough?”
“It is not about money. I must have something to do. I do not have a title, or land to go with it. I have my name and that is all.”
“I do not need a title. I only have my name. I bring no title or property either.”
“I wish it were as simple as you are putting it,” he said. “But I have lived in this world, and I have seen the dark and dirty side as well as the bright and shiny side. A man needs something to do. Purpose. Make some sort of difference to the world around him.” Did she understand what he was trying to tell her? “There is much to consider but if you will just allow us to have a longer than normal engagement, I promise you I will marry you in time.” He tried to take her hand, but she evaded him. She was not going to make this easy for him.
“How much time?” she asked.
“I do not know. A year perhaps.”
Lucinda looked down at her lap and played with her ring on her finger. He noticed she had been doing it more and more lately. Or maybe he was more observant now. “And since when are we engaged?”
Good question. He had never actually proposed. He had just assumed that they would become engaged after they had confessed their love to each other.
He felt his face heat. “I am a fool.”
“Yes, but you aremyfool.” Taking his hand, she kissed it.
