I rush forward, dropping to my knees, hands scrambling for his face, his shoulders. But it’s already too late. His head lolls back against the cushion, eyes glassy, mouth slack.
My heart shatters.
No. No. No.
Micah bursts in behind me, swearing. He drops beside us, all instinct, all fear. He checks Jude’s breathing and presses fingers to his neck. “Hey,” Micah says urgently. “Hey, man. How much did you take? How much did you fucking take?”
I whirl on the guy standing there—some fucking stranger I’ve never seen before. Some useless piece of shit who wanted a few minutes with Jude Graves. “How much did you give him?”
He doesn’t answer.
Micah doesn’t wait. He slams his fist into the guy’s face, sending him crashing back, then shoves him toward the door. “Get the fuck out!”
I’m crying now, full-body sobs ripping out of me as I cradle Jude’s face, begging him silently to just look at me. Micah keeps listening to his breathing, steady but heavy.
“He’s okay,” Micah says, though his jaw is tight. “He’s okay.”
Is he?
Is he?
Micah runs a hand through his shoulder-length blonde hair, frustration radiating off him. He’s not happy. He never wanted this. He’s been using needles for a long time, but not Jude. “It’s too late now,” he whispers, sitting back on his heels. “We won’t be able to keep him from shooting up after this. You know that.”
Something inside me screams. I do know that. I wish I’d stayed with him. I wish Nolan hadn’t stolen me away. Maybe I could’ve stopped this. Maybe I could’ve saved him from this. My heart is trying to beat its way out of my chest.
I don’t know what my role is anymore. I’m supposed to be his handler. His girlfriend. The one who keeps him safe and presentable to the public. I’ve been using drugs since I was sixteen. I know how deep this pit goes. I know how hard it is to crawl the fuck out of. I haven’t had the strength. Neither has Micah.
Now we’re all fucked.
Jude’s eyes flutter open, unfocused. He lets out a low moan. I sob, pressing my forehead to his shoulder.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Where were you?” I ask Micah, my voice breaking.
“I was talking to Finnick outside,” he snaps back. “Where the fuck were you? You’re always creeping over our shoulders. Aren't you supposed to be his girlfriend?”
I recoil, rage and devastation crashing inside me. “Nolan was raping me in a bathroom. Sorry,” I say flatly.
He freezes, his jaw clenching hard. But he doesn’t say anything else as I cry against Jude. Micah doesn’t follow me when I stumble back downstairs, the party roaring on like nothing has happened. Like the world hasn’t just tilted off its axis. Everything blurs—lights, laughter, music.
Fuck my life.
Fuck Nolan.
I return to the same bathroom he just used me in and lock the door. My hands shake as I pull out the cocaine. I don’t hesitate. I snort it. There’s no better way to deal with this than to numb it. And now Jude…
Now Jude is falling into the pit with us.
~*~
He shifts slightly in his sleep, his grip tightening around me for half a second. The movement is instinctive, and it pulls me from my memory.
He’s good. He’s always been good. Definitely a little reckless and stubborn as hell, but good. He’s the kind of light that burns too bright for monsters like Nolan and Alexei to leave alone. They can’t avoid touching it because their own black fucking souls need to smother it. Just like me. Mine hasn’t held an ounce of light in a long time. Nolan robbed the last spark from me years ago, and I became the very monster I was once desperate to escape.
I helped drag this beautiful light into their world anyway. I was drowning in the dark, clawing for anything that felt safe, and aside from Finnick and Micah, Jude was the only person who never took from me. So I took from him instead. I took my role too seriously andfixatedon him. I sank my claws into him and never let him go.
“Fuck…” The word barely leaves my lips, dissolving into the quiet room. My thumb lifts, hesitating for a moment before brushing lightly across his cheekbone. His skin is warm despite the coldness I know lives within him now. The stubble along his jaw scratches faintly against my fingertip. The life has been leaving his eyes piece by piece over the years. I watched it happen. I watched myselfhelpit happen. Just like what Nolan did to me.
