My head is light, loud, and so goddamn far away from my body.
Adriana says something behind me, maybe my name, but the words don’t reach me. They dissolve somewhere before I can really understand them. Then the music changes. The first notes of“Entombed”by Deftonesdrifts through the room, cutting through all the noise in my head. It’s suddenly the only thing I can hear. The only thing that feels sharp enough to register. My heart swells with something I can’t quite place. I move toward the balcony without thinking.
No. How can this be happening?
Forget her forget her forget her forget her…
The glass door slides open, and winter slams into me all at once—freezing wind, swirling snow, air so cold it burns the inside of my lungs. My hands grip the metal railing automatically, fingers tightening around the icy edge as I step forward.
The city stretches below, endless lights scattered across the dark like some faraway dream. We’re high. Higher than I expected. My teeth chatter immediately from the wind.
So far down.
For a moment, I just stare. The song swells behind me, and the tension inside my chest loosens. Then, it unravels completely, and everything starts to blur. The lights smear together. Even my own hands don’t look like they belong to me anymore, fingers curled like someone else is controlling them.
I feel…detached. Like perhaps I stepped outside my own body and forgot how to get back in. A strange thought drifts through my mind:
It would be easy.One step. One shift of weight forward. Gravity would do the rest.
The wind whips through my hair, snaps the edges of my suit jacket behind me, snow catching in my lashes as I blink slowly against the cold. My pulse pounds somewhere far away.
I don’t feel like Jude.
Jude doesn’t exist up here.
He was someone who loved music. Someone who laughed with his head thrown back, and who made promises he knew he’d keep. Someone who was kind and good and filled with life...
That person is gone.
What’s left is something else. Something colder that fits the mask better than it ever fit a face. A ghost wearing an expensive suit. My grip tightens on the railing as the thought settles in, andfor one suspended second, I lean forward slightly, staring down into the dizzying drop below. Then—
Hands slam into my shoulders.
I’m yanked backward hard enough that my spine hits the wall behind me, the impact knocking a rough breath from my lungs. The world tilts violently, vision struggling to refocus as the snow keeps falling around us in thick, silent spirals. It’s Adriana. I know it before I can even see her clearly. I think she’s saying my name, but the words sound muffled. Her hands move from my shoulders to my face, warm fingers gripping my jaw, forcing me to look at her. Her lips are moving fast, pleading.
I can’t understand anything she’s saying. I can only hear the song. My chest tightens, and a broken sound claws its way up my throat, escaping me before I can stop it.
“I’m…” My voice comes out thin, unsteady. “I’m not me.”
Her expression shifts to confusion and worry, but she doesn’t let go. Instead, she pulls me forward, wrapping her arms around me tightly, pressing me against her. Snow collects on her auburn hair, also blowing with the wind.
Is the song playing again? Or has it just not finished? Is time even working? Because I still hear it.
I don’t hug her back right away. I just stand there, rigid and shaking, staring past her shoulder at the open sky, desperately reaching inside myself for something to hold onto. Something to remind me that I’m alive and human.
But there’s nothing.
I stagger through the guesthouse door and let it slam shut behind us. The world is still tilting slightly, the vodka and meth fighting inside my bloodstream, neither winning. My head buzzes. My hands won’t stop trembling. I don’t know if it’s thecold, the comedown, or the way the balcony moment is still replaying in flashes behind my eye. The drop, the wind, the sudden thought of how easy it would’ve been to just fucking die.
Adriana follows me inside quietly. I don’t look at her at first. I just lean my palms against the wall, breathing hard, staring at nothing. Then she says my name. It’s soft and careful.
Something in my chest twists sharply, and before I can think, I turn and grab her, pulling her against me. My mouth finds hers, rough and desperate, like I’m trying to drown something inside myself. She gasps, surprised, but she kisses me back for a second, her fingers clutching at my suit jacket. I don’t let up. I back her toward the bedroom, our steps clumsy and off-balance. We bump into the doorframe, my shoulder taking the impact. My hip smacks into the sharp corner of the dresser. I barely feel it. My head is spinning.
I push her backward, and she falls onto the bed. I don’t give her time to speak. I climb over her, caging her body with mine, my knees pressing into the mattress on either side of her hips.
My hands are shaking. I can feel the tremble in my fingers as they reach for my belt. I undo the buckle on autopilot. Then my button and zipper of my pants.
Before I can lose myself entirely, Adriana’s hand comes up, her fingers wrapping around my wrist, and it stops me cold. “Hey,” she says, her voice hoarse. “Look at me.”
