He’s been lying. Someone is hurting him. Who? Where? What is he doing when he’s not here?
“He’s...he’s worse than he let on,” I whisper, loud enough for Micah and Heather to hear through the guest room. She had to console Micah, because he was beside himself last night.
Jude sits up. He notices my gaze, but doesn’t say anything. The silence is suffocating.
I take a shaky step closer. “Jude...what happened to you?” My voice cracks halfway, tears already stinging my eyes.
He winces, and my stomach drops. He knows I see it all now. The full weight of what he’s been hiding. “I—” His voice falters. He starts, then stops. His hands clench into fists, trembling at his sides. “I’m so sorry, Em.”
My lip trembles. “Answer my question. Please.” My voicecracks on the last word.
His stare is hollow and distant. “I can’t.”
“What do you mean, youcan’t?”I cry. “You almost died! I almost watched you fuckingdie!And you can’t even tell me the truth? I deserve better than that. You told me you wouldn’t leave!”
A muscle ticks in his jaw. His eyes darken, a storm inside him I can almost see. He rises, takes a step toward me, and I flinch instinctively.
His voice rasps. “You can’t fix this, Emma. You can’t love me anymore because I’m going to die. Sooner or later. Don’t you understand that? I should have died last night.”
The words slam into me. My knees nearly buckle. “No!” I sob, tears streaking down my cheeks. “I don’t care! I don’t care what youthinkyou are! I love you, Jude! I’ll do whatever it takes, but youhave to let me help!”
He shakes his head violently, as if my love is something he cannot bear anymore. “All I can offer you, baby, is that I’m in way more than you thought.”
I snap my mouth shut.
He sighs. “I’m in so deep that your plan with Rook isn’t...realistic anymore.”
“Then what is?” I ask quickly. “I thought you were working on setting up that meeting? I was counting on you.”
He just stares at me, his eyes heavy. The implication is enough.
“What? So you’ll just die?” Anger begins to flare through me as I take a step toward him. “Tell me, Jude, are you going to kill yourself on purpose, or am I just supposed to wait for the day you don’t wake up?”
His gaze falls to the floor, like he hates every word I just said.
“Are you…” I fight a frown. “Are you going to talk to me?”
When his hazel eyes snap to mine again, I nearly collapse. “I don’t regret any moment I’ve spent with you.”
My eyes burn.No. No.It sounds like he’s saying goodbye.
“I’ve loved you for so fucking long, Emma,” he whispers, now standing in front of me. Inches away. “I grieve the life we could have had. But I fucked up.” A tear rolls down his cheek. “I am trapped. I can’t get out. Not without a prison sentence or death.”
I shake my head, ready to argue. But he continues.
“I have lied to you. I didn’t want you to know what hell I was living in. What they’re making me do.” Another tear. He pulls his lower lip between his teeth. “I’m not the Jude you fell in love with, Emma. I won’t ever be him again. I trust you know that.”
I hate this. I hate hearing this. Please, stop it.
He swallows. “I’m a fucking killer.”
“Have...have you killed anyone since that night in Portland?”
He doesn’t say anything.
I inhale a rapid breath, the world suddenly tilting. “Oh, god.”
Before I can say anything else, his hand is brushing a tear from my cheek. He gazes into my eyes, into my soul. “I love you more than anything. I need you to know that. But we weren’t supposed to find each other again.”
