I cut in gently, nudging him with my knee. “Hey, look at me.”
He lifts his gaze, but only for a moment. His eyes are guarded, and something about the way he’s tensed makes my chest tighten. “I have to step back,” he says quietly.
My heart stutters, and I drop the lighter. “W—what do you mean?”
He exhales slowly, like he’s trying to make the words easier to say. “Us. This...right now. I can’t—” He shakes his head. “I can’t do this.”
My stomach twists. “Jude,” I lean closer, trying to catch his gaze, to pull him out of whatever walls he’s suddenly built. “I...I just got you back.”
He looks away. “You realize how hard it is for someone injecting to get clean? I don’t think I ever will, Emma.” His words are calm but devastating. “The me you loved before...he’s been gone a long time. I thought I could do this with you, but I can’t. Not with who I am now. The odds are against my survival.”
I flinch. “That’s...not true. People fight their way back every day. You can. Youwill. Don’t tell me there’s no hope because thereis.” My voice sharpens, professional instinct kicking in, but underneath it is raw emotion. I reach forward and touch his arm. “You’re stronger than this. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t lie tome.”
He finally looks at me, and I see a flicker of pain, fear, and vulnerability. But his jaw is tight, hands curling into fists in his lap. “Emma...it’s not like that. I can’t risk pulling you in. I can’t risk anyone thinking they can save me. You’ve built a beautiful life here, and I…” He trails off, sighing. “I’m not good for it. You have to understand that. You should. It’s your job to see what’s broken in people.”
I scoot closer, the fire warming my legs. My hands rest on his knees. “Jude, I love you. You hear me?I’m always right here.I always have been.”
He swallows hard, lips parting slightly, but silent.
I tangle my fingers in his hair. “Please. Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from me. Not again.”
His eyes glisten when he hears my voice break. His body stiffens, and I feel the way he’s trying to protect me from himself. “I don’t know if I can,” he admits. “I can’t do this with you when Adriana…” he trails off, clenching his jaw hard.
I’m going to be sick.
He stays silent, gaze sweeping over me. I can see the weight he carries every day, and how much it takes from him. My chest is tight, tears stinging my eyes. Every second I missed him, every night I loved him from afar...it crashes over me now.
He reaches for the firewood, striking a match. The flames catch, flickering and spitting sparks into the dark. It’s the simplest act after saying something that’s breaking my heart all over again. I bite my lip, trying not to cry. Especially with the way his gaze settles on mine again. He wants to walk away. I can’t let him. I won’t.
He’ll die.
Before I can really think rationally, I close the space between us and press my lips to his. It’s gentle at first, until he responds, groaning into my mouth. It’s not just desire—it’sneed, longing, all the time we lost and the time we might still have if he doesn’t give up now.
“It was always supposed to be us, remember? What you and I have is everything,” I whisper, tears finally falling. “And you know that as well as I do. We’ve never stopped loving each other.”
He sighs, as if losing some battle inside of himself, and we sink to the blanket. His hands move from my face to my arms, but I can feel how tense his shoulders are. Goosebumps rise at each touch. But then, he freezes.
“Emma,” he breathes, voice frayed. “I...I can’t.” He pulls away from me, just enough that the firelight cuts across his face.His expression twists, like whatever he’s holding is choking him from the inside. I sit up slowly, the sleeping bag rustling beneath us,my heart racing.
“Why not?” I whisper.
He drags a hand down his face. “There’s something I should’ve told you. Something that happened last night.”
Every muscle in my body goes still.
He doesn’t look at me. He just stares ahead at the ocean. “Adriana came over,” he says quietly. “I was high, out of it, and she didn’t care. She didn’t ask. She just...did what she wanted. Like she always does.”
My stomach drops. Ice-cold, and sickening. Not jealousy.Horror.
He shakes his head like he’s trying to get rid of a memory he can’t escape. “She was going to go for Micah, but I took it. I wasn’t even fully conscious. I kept drifting in and out. And she just—” His voice breaks off. “I didn’t want it. I couldn’t stop her.”
A sharp, burning ache climbs up my throat. “Oh, Jude…” I whisper, reaching for him.
He flinches. “You know I want onlyyou,” he says, voice cracking. “But it’s complicated. I don’t want to bewithyou while I’m also forced to be with someone else. It isn't fair.”
I shake my head fiercely. “I don’t care. We’ll be able to get you out. And when we do, you’ll never have to deal with that bitch again.” I touch his cheek, and this time he doesn’t move away. “I’m angry she did that to you. You don’t deserve that.”
He closes his eyes, jaw clenching. “I can’t walk away from any of this, Emma. Nolan has the blackmail. I need to do what he says, or my life will be over…” He trails off, as if trying to decide whether to add something else. But he remains silent.
