I swore under my breath. “I shouldn't have said that.” My jaw hardened with frustration and guilt. “But you’re not acting like yourself. Kappy saw it too.”
Her hands clenched into fists and her jaw turned hard. “Maybe you just don’t know me anymore.” Her eyes filled with more tears. She pursed her lips, trying to bottle her emotions, but it was useless. “Maybe I am just weak.” She turned on her heel and made a beeline to Colt’s room.
My jaw dropped open. “No, Ali, that’s not what I meant. He’smakingyou like this. Can we just talk this out?” I begged as I followed her.
She didn’t break her pace.
“Ali, you don’t need to—”
She slammed Colt’s door in my face.
I stood there, feeling the reverberations from the door. My ears rang as regret weighed down on me. My forehead fell against the door, like a toddler in timeout.
I knew I should’ve handled it way differently, but after hearing she was with him again, frustration overwhelmed my mind. I clamped my teeth together so hard they could crack. Why? Why him?
I turned and slid my butt down to the floor. Holding my head, I tried to reason through how this all got so fucked up. I really wished it was more complicated, but it came down to two very simple facts:
Back in August, I was scared to be with her.
And after I left, she was scared to be alone.
Deep down, I knew this made me partially responsible for her running back to him. I led her on all last summer, made her feel like we were dating, and then dipped. I made her cry that day she left work early. I knew I did, but I didn’twant to admit it to myself.
I sat there on the dingy carpet hating him and hating myself.
I eventually fell asleep where I sat against the wall.
When I woke in the morning, Ali was already gone.
What’s worse? I never even corrected her.
I never told her I wanted her.
16. ALI - RUNNER
The next morning, I woke up with puffy eyes and a heart full of hate.
Throwing on my biggest sunglasses and hat, I met up with some of my friends to sit on the pool deck and watch all the tourists leave the cruise ship.
“You’re not going to say bye to him?” Desi asked while lathering sunscreen on her arms beside me.
I shook my head as I sipped my iced coffee.
“Are you sure?” Her face held a tight grimace. “It seemed like you guys really clicked. You were, like, glued to his side all week. You don’t want to go give him a hug or something?”
My throat burned.Yes, I wanted one more hug, but that just couldn’t happen. “We don’t always get what we want,” I muttered.Himbeing the prime example. He didn’t want a relationship with me—didn’t even want to try—so what did it matter? Our arrangement was for a single week. I was the one who got carried away, I guess.
“I think he’s coming down the ramp right now,” Desi said with a small cringe.
My eyes fell closed for a brief second. Standing on shaky legs, I made my way over to the railing. I watched his tall muscular frame leave the boat, feeling like he was walking away with my heart.
My chin trembled.
“Oh no.” Desi’s face creased with concern. “I didn’t realize you’d be that upset.” She pulled me into a hug.
“This was so stupid,” I blubbered. “I feel so…” My throat closed up, blocking my words. I’d been so strong and independent forso manyyears, and it only took him a single week to completely undo all of it and for me to give him everything.
“You feel so…?” Desi questioned.
