“Not sure?” I snapped. “You should’ve thought this through before you fucking came here, JP.” I stared at him. “Get the fuck out.”
His face cracked. “Ali, don’t do this.”
“Don’t do this?Ididn’t do this,” I warned.
He squeezed his eyes shut, but he didn’t take back what he’d said.
“Get out.” So much rage and frustration coursed through my body that I couldn’t hold back. “I was fine,” I cried again, shoving a finger at his chest. “I was totally fine until you came here. And I didn’t evenaskyou to come. You pushed. You pushed your way into my life and my heart for no fucking reason other than to make me miss something I could never even have in the first place. You teased me with loveagain, JP, and that is a cruel thing to do.”
“No, that’s not…” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. Ali, you have to know that I’m trying to do what’s best for both of us. I just don’t want you to stop your life for me, okay?”
“No,” I fumed. He tried to reach out to me, but I slapped his hands away and pointed to the door. “No, you don’t get to act like you’re the good guy here. Go, JP.” My body started shaking and I knew I was about to break down, but he did not deserve to see that. “Ineverwant to see you ever again.”
His mouth dropped open. “Ali, you don’t mean that.”
“Get out!” I shrilled wildly. “I do mean it.” I threw my fists down. I turned away from him and faced my wall because I didn’t trust myself to watch him go.
As soon as I heard the door swing shut behind him, I collapsed on my bed in tears. It was a cruel sick joke that I only wantedhiscomfort when he was the one causing my distress.
This whole week I’d been feeling stupid for missing out on time with him. I was regretting and blaming my younger self, calling her all the names in the book for not being with JP so much sooner. But tonight was a harsh reminder why it was never him, why it could never be him. I couldn’t blame my past self for choosing someone else because he was never even a choice in the first place—he made that real clear tonight.
I loved him.
I wanted him.
But he was never even an option.
And the biggest kick to the stomach wasn’t even that he left. It was that I’d heard that exact same excuse from him before, but I still went back for more.
15. JP – NEVER TOLD HER
After Ali kicked me out, I wandered up to the pool deck. Gripping the railing, I stared up at the stars shining against the dark sky.
I fucked up.
I fucked up so bad.
Why was I always fucking up when it came to her?
I knew back then that I was making mistakes, too.
I knew I should've stepped up. I should’ve done something, anything, to get her away from Rossi before it was too late.
But when it came to Ali, I was always playing it safe.
As I stood there in the chilly night, my mind drifted back to our younger selves, back to the first time I fucked up because of fear…
_________
2011
I hadn’t seen Ali in person in four months—not since the day I left for juniors—but she was finally coming to visit thanks to Mer. Shemanaged to wrangle both Piper and Ali together to come roadtrip up here to Toronto to watch one of our games.
While Ali and I still texted about once a week, it just wasn’t the same. There was an awkwardness between us that I was responsible for creating, and I needed to use this weekend to fix it.
Before I left for juniors back in August, Ali and I were busy potting mums at Herbs when she asked, “So, are we, like…going out?”
My mouth gaped open in surprise.
