Because I didn’t feel used, I felt cherished
But now we only had two nights left…
As I laid in his arms, it occurred to me that I didn’t want him to go. This was the most fun I’d ever had out here on tour. Maybe it was just because I’d been to all these places before on my own, so it was fun to be able to take in the sights through his eyes. But I think it was more than that… Because I think I’d have just as much fun with him if we were camping in the middle of nowhere.
I just liked being with him.
Our conversation from that bench overlooking the pier in Cobh flashed into my mind. Maybe I’d been searching in all the wrong places for that feeling of belonging. Maybe I couldn’t ever find itbecause it wasn't a place on a map for me. The only place I ever felt truly at home was in his arms.
And now that I felt it, I couldn’t bear to lose it. I didn’t want this little week-long situation to end.
“It feels like…” I started, and then stopped myself. My throat felt like it was closing up, trying to stop me from letting out any vulnerability.
“What’s that?” he asked, just barely still awake.
Turning in his arms to face him, my hand went to his scruffy cheek. “It feels like I'm supposed to behere…”In your arms,I mentally tacked on.
He dropped a lingering kiss on my forehead. “You are.”
“How do you know?” I asked, tucking my head under his chin. He sounded so sure of himself.
I thought he fell asleep, but a few minutes later, he whispered, “Because I feel it too.”
My heart expanded with those words, and my mind started whirling with all the possibilities, all the ways we’d try to make this thing between us work. Us skaters did get some time off, little breaks between tours. I usually never paid much attention to them because I always immediately signed another contract or stayed at Val’s house in Florida with a group of “homeless” skaters, as we called ourselves. But… I could go to Chicago. We could take turns going to see each other. We could FaceTime. It wouldn’t be the same as being with each other, but we could figure it out. If we wanted to make this work, we could…right?
“You okay?” he whispered in the dark, stroking my hair.
I wanted to respond, but I was afraid if I opened my mouth, my voice would crack. And how could I say that I was okay, except for the fact that he’d be leaving? As soon as I fell asleep, we’d only have one more night left together. The thought of sleeping alone again, of coming back to an empty room again, suddenly felt daunting. What was the point of being here? Being with him felt bigger than all of this…
Then again, I was probably being reckless—again. I knew what it was like to shove everything in my life aside for a guy. I knew all too well just how badly that could end… So why was it so tempting to do it for JP?
Ugh no.
I had to stop.
Stop overthinking, or else I’d end up crying, and then he’d probably think a long-distance relationship with me would be more trouble than what it was worth.
I needed to just soak this up. Soak up the feel and smell of him, the way he was holding me like he never wanted to let go.
“Ali?” He lifted his neck, trying to see me in the dark. “You didn’t respond. You good?”
I nodded against him. Swallowing the burning lump in my throat, I said, “I’m just so happy you came to find me.” And I really hoped that wasn’t too much to admit out loud.
His hand drifted up to cradle the back of my head. “Me too, baby,” he rasped.
Those three little words of reassurance filled me withwaytoo much relief and gratitude.
Way, way too much, Ali,I chastised myself. Because he was already way too in charge of my emotions.
Then again, this was JP. I was safe with him. I trusted him.
This could work.
We could make this work.
.
13. JP – WE COULD NEVER
