Their conversation drifted to business, to hockey, and then to Hank. I fell back to sleep listening to their comforting voices.
___________
2014
After completely blowing my long program at Nationals, I sat in the locker room with my dress and skates still on long after the competition was over.
Katrina already left to go mingle with other skaters and coaches.
My mom and Annie were already back at the hotel getting ready for the big press event tonight. Annie was being named to the Olympic team. I was happy for her. But I needed to sit on this bench a little while longer.
As soon as I took off my skates, it was all really over. And I had no clue what was next. What would my life even look like after this?
I was honestly too scared to move.
By the time I walked out of the locker room, I was practically the last person in the stadium. After such an intense week, the peace and quiet felt like a gentle hug.
What I didn’t know then, was that I should’ve taken longer to get back to the hotel. Because I was wholly unprepared for what I was walking into.
As soon as I opened our hotel room door, the stench hit me. Our room smelled like a brewery. Part of me wanted to shut the door and run away, but I swatted that thought away. My need for reassurance outweighed my fear. I just wanted him to hug me and tell me it was all going to be okay.
Too bad we don’t always get what we want.
Mark lumbered forward, a drunk, stumbling mess. He took one look at me and lost it. He started throwing clothes at me, calling me pathetic, saying he married a loser. When he ran out of clothes to throw, he grabbed a drinking glass and let it fly. I dunked as it exploded against the wall. But I wasn’t fast enough to dodge the TV clicker. It hit me right below my eye, making my ears ring.
Any part of my heart left intact after that day just crumbled into dust.
The next thing I knew, he was stalking toward me, slamming his fist against the wall by my head. My whole body shook as I registered what just happened.
His black eyes were wild, telling me no amount of crying or pleading would make it through to him. He was too far gone. He pulled back again, and I braced for the blow. I was too tired, too depressed, to even make myself fight back. I have no doubt he would’ve killed me that night, but his phone started ringing.
He swore under his breath and forgot about me.
Gasping for breath. I dropped to the floor and scrambled behind the bed.
He thankfully stormed out of the room without looking at me.
As soon as he was gone, I ran to lock the door, then slid down to my butt.
How did I get here?
How did it all come to this?
Pulling my knees up to my chest, I laid my forehead down and cried.
It came to this because I was too focused on this one day. Skating was all I ever saw for my future. My only goal was standing on that podium. I’m not sure I even realized that my life would continue after this day… that my marriage would continue after this day…
Now that it was all over, now that figure skating was over…
All I had left wasthis.
Him.
I messed up too badly and there was no way out.
I was trapped.
Trapped.
