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The first two periods of the game were rough to say theleast…
After our main goalie, Archerson- aka Archie, let his third goal in towards the end of the second period, Coach yelled at our backup goalie- a super anxious kid named JJ- to switch spots with him for the third period.
JJ looked up at Coach from where he sat at the end of the bench with a scared look on his face and asked, “Are yousure?”
Coach’s jaw slid to the side. “In all my years of coaching I have never once been asked that. Do you even want to play, JJ?”
The rest of the bench laughed, but poor JJ just slid his goalie mask over his face and gave himself some punches in the head to wake himself up.
As we skated back out, I caught up to JJ and gave him a glove tap.
“Don’t worry so much, bud. We’ll try to keep it in the offensive zone to help ya out.” I could see his eyes darting around as I talked.
“Thanks, man,” he returned.
“You’ve got this. Just like practice,” I told him.
“You guys kill me in practice!” he exclaimed, but I shook my head at him.
“You’re better than you think.”
Before taking the faceoff, I huddled with my guys to strategize.
“We’re running a St. Mary’s play, everyone good with that?” I looked around the circle.
Or course Reggie was looking back at me with a grimace. The kid could never keep any plays straight. He just used brute force to try to skate through everyone— which did get the job done sometimes.
“Just get to the net and stay there, Reggie,” I told him. “We’ve gotta try to keep it from going down to the D zone. JJ might shit his pants if they get a breakaway.” We put our fists together and I looked them all in the eyes. “Let’s give JJ a goodday.”
And I think that was the little reboot that our team needed.
JJ was able to have a shut-out period– we only let one breakaway happen– and we were able to come back from 3-0 and actually win the game.
In the locker room, Coach was so happy with JJ that I think he completely forgot about Nick ditching out. I was quickly reminded of his absence when I sat next to his empty spot though.
I took my time undressing and was the last one sitting in the locker room drying my blades with my rag towel. I didn’t feel like rushing to get back to our place just to sit there by myself. My mind would just roam, and I’d inevitably end up thinking about what they were up to. The problem was that I wished I was there with them too… but I realized the difference between Nick and I was that I wouldn’t miss a game. Did that make me a bad person?
I slowly made my way over to Benny’s for some dinner and chose an empty barstool seat to sit my ass down at and stew in my own misery while I thought through my predicament.
I stared across the bar counter at the beer fridge and wished for not the first time that I was 21. I knew that was stupid, I really did. I needed to refrain from alcohol becoming a crutch like it was for the rest of the Griffiths in the world. But I also had no clue how else to dull what I was feeling.
I didn’t fully know it until then, but now I couldn’t unknow it about myself. I couldn’t unknow that I was straight up lonely. I think that was some people’s natural disposition in life. Like I could be with a bunch of people, but I still always felt alone. And maybe it was because I was way too in tune with my own thoughts. I wished I was an extrovert who could just be the life of the party instead of the one overthinking everything and wondering if anyone else felt the way that I did. Nick helped get me out of these thoughts… but if we ended up going separate ways… What would I do?
So… the natural progression of these thoughts brought me to the next thing I couldn’t unknow about myself: That what I truly craved was being someone’s number one. Being someone’s teammate. Having someone you could build a life with. Being completely loved by just one person and that person being your number one fan…
And I wanted that to be Savannah.
I wanted her love.
I mean, I think I had some of it. I knew she cared about me. But it was becoming obvious that Nick would be getting that number one spot, and he was practically mybrother…
Of course this would happen to me.
Or was it not a coincidence? Maybe it was some form of self-punishment. Maybe it was because my mother left me that I just wanted what I couldn’t have? I mean, having a mother dump you has gotta leave some damage, no?
Savannah would be a perfect mother one day. She’d never leave her kid behind. She was practically Duke’s stand-in mother becauseshe-
