“Not necessarily? It’s like half of me feels so safe and relieved…” She patted my arm and I closed my eyes, cherishing those words. “But I also feel guilty.”
My body tensed at that.
“Do you think Nick would be upset?” she worriedly asked. “Like about us here… right now…?”
“No,” I answered quickly. “Not at all, he wouldn’t want you to be alone.” I started massaging her sciatic nerve. From my reading, and from how she stretched, I knew she was probably feeling pain there.
“Thank you. That feels amazing,” she said, but I could feel that she was still tense.
I continued to work her muscles as I thought over how I could convince her of Nick’s wishes for her to move on. The obvious answer was showing her the letter… Then again, I wouldn’t want her to trust me with her heart just because Nick wanted that. I wasn’t sure if that letter would force her– like maybe she’d be with me just because she thought that’s what Nick would’ve wanted rather than it being what she really desired…. I mean, I wanted to be with her more than anything, but I’d support her no matter what… even if that meant watching her move on with someone else.
I felt compelled to do more… to show her… to brush my hands through her hair and kiss her… but as I massaged up toward her hip, she stopped my hand.
I stupidly forgot… My hand was just about to rub over the #33 on her skin.
Nick was etched into her body and heart forever.
I moved my arm to curl around her waist instead, hoping I didn’t ruin anything. I’d hold her and comfort her for as long as she needed. I needed patience. She neededreassurance.
“I think about that sometimes too,” I told her. “Like if Nick was still here and he saw this… He’d go nuclear,” I laughed. “He’d prolly throw me out of this bed and beat my ass.” I felt her body shudder with laughter at that mental picture as well. “But given the situation, I think… eh, I kindaknow… that he wouldn’t beupset.”
She nodded against my chest, and I felt her body relax into me at that.
_____
The next morning, we woke up early and sleepily went down to get breakfast together. Before exiting the elevator, Duke hit all the buttons to make them light up.
I snorted at his antics, but Sav rolled her eyes and put hands on her hips. “Are you kidding me?” she asked dubiously. “This is why I think you’re too young to have a girlfriend.”
I covered my smile by rubbing a hand over my jaw. She was very obviously mentally struggling with the fact that he was growing up. One minute she thought he was too young, the next she wanted him to grow up.
“Ah it’s no big deal, Sis.” He brushed her off with a lopsided, boyish smile. “They don’t want you to hit those buttons so I hafta. Just the way it is, youknowthis,” he said matter-of-factly.
After grabbing some coffee and muffins from the continental breakfast bar, we headed out to the car. I was taking the first stretch of the drive with Sav sitting beside me in the shotgun seat. Duke was planning on napping in the back until it was his turn.
As soon as we were on the highway, she connected her phone and cued up some Taylor Swift songs.
Glancing over at her, I could tell she was playing with the lyrics in her mind. She never just listened to music. She listened to the words. She analyzed the hell out of it, trying to piece the stories together. Listening to music was like going to school for her.
“Tell me about this one?” I asked her.
She paused and her face stretched into a suspicious smile. “Wait, really?”
“Yes,” I laughed. I could tell she was itching to explain it.
I glanced over at her and her eyes twinkled mischievously like she was going to let me in on a secret.
She pushed her hair behind her ears and leaned closer to me. “Okay, so her last albums felt like she was writing about her ex-boyfriends, ya know? Like ‘All Too Well’ is basically the ultimate guide for what you feel and remember after a breakup– absolute gold, by the way– But now, I think she’s switching to literature. Like she really uses a ton of ‘Great Gatsby’ references throughout this entire album, and you know me, I love Gatsby. So, here, listen closely to this one.”
She turned the dial up a bit more and I tried to focus on Taylor Swift’s “Getaway Car” …but really, I just kept trying to steal glances at her enjoying the music.
“I think the baby is already a Swifty. He’s kicking so hard!” she laughed.
She continued on for about an hour, going back and forth between explaining bits and pieces of her theories and then turning the music up, and I enjoyed listening to her. The car ride went faster with her talking, and I loved how passionate she was about trying to decipher all of her “symbolism.”
After finishing one of her older albums, I turned the volume down a bit. “You really should’ve been an English major,” I smirked at her and took a sip of my coffee.
“You don’t know?” Duke’s sleepy voice interrupted from the back. I could see him stretching his limbs out in the rearview mirror. He’d been successfully snoozing for the whole first hour.
