TJ winced, like he was bracing himself, but I wasn’t going into the gory details with him. Not tonight.
“One of the girls I was with found me in time and thank God forthat.”
“In time… Shit, babe,” he said, pulling at the front of his hair.
I wiped a tear away as I felt myself flashback to that moment of desperation. Him forcefully trying to kiss me… Trying to fight him off, almost getting away, him grabbing hold of me again and slamming me back to the floor. Almost blacking out but screaming my own name and location to anyone who could hear me.
I closed my eyes against the horrible memory and tried to shake my own appearance from that night out my head. I remember looking in the mirror and being shocked at what I saw; being shocked that something like that had actually happened to me.
“I am a scaredy-cat, TJ. After that I had panic attacks. I had so much anxiety I quit school. I thought everyone was out to get me. I second guessed every single decision I made and had zero confidence. I pressed charges, but his team argued that I stupidlydidengage with him by texting him back, and it was a first-time offense, and he was stopped before… things got worse… he only got a slap on thewrist.”
“Fucking hell.” TJ rubbed his jaw and shook his head.
“I filed a restraining order, but I had to get off the grid. I needed to ensure he couldn’t find me. I had to change my life to be able to move on. So, I changed my name, moved out here, and started building. Keeping my head down and grinding worked for me before, so that’s what I tried. I thought it would work, but I’m still stuck. Because every time I start to get confident, and I stop looking around every turn I take, and I start living, I remember why I can’t do that. That’s when the panic slams into me.” Tears started to blur my vision. “Yes, I’m strong, yes, I’m capable. But I couldn’t overpower him, and that’s a harsh reality to face, TJ.”
54. TJ
As she recounted her story, I grinded my teeth so hard they could’ve cracked. If I could pummel the guy I would. There was a special place in hell for men who made others feel weak.
I knew something must’ve happened for her to change everything so drastically, but hearing her explain aloud hurt like a motherfucker… because when I was blissfully ignorant, I could think the reason wasn’t a bad one… now I knew it was the thing of nightmares.
I walked into her, and she accepted it. I hugged her head against my chest and brushed her hair down her back, feeling absolutely gutted.
I had to stop my mind from running away with what she said and picturing that horrible night. Thinking of my beautiful girl in such a vulnerable position made my vision swim. A hopeless feeling that I couldn’t do anything to help settled into my stomach.
I vowed to myself right then to make sure she’d never feel weak with me and that she’d never even slightly put herself down over the whole thing like she was doing as she retold the story tome.
She pulled away and looked up at me then.
“Are you crying?” she asked for a second time today, wiping at her own tears.
“It hurts, okay?” I said, and I wasn’t sure if I was fully talking about my pepper-sprayed eyeballs or hearing the story.
I held her for a second longer, embracing her warmth, before speaking.
“You said you couldn’t overpower him,” I said slowly.
She pulled back from me with a confused look.
“Well, babe… You took me down,” I told her. “A professional athlete who works out for a living.”
Shock registered on her face. “I did?”
“You did. You fuckin did, babe.” I gave a small smile. “And my eyes still burn really bad. But I want you to know that I’m here for you and I’d help protect you from any crazy freak out there. Even though you are perfectly capable of taking care of business on your own, I’d throw down for you in a second. No one touches you.”
She sniffled against my shirt, and I heard a tiny, “No.”
“No?” I asked for clarification, feeling the hurtful recoil of the word.
“No, because you belong in Detroit,” she said, pushing me away.
“How many weddings do you have left this year, Ellie? One? None? I’m trying to be sensitive and not stick my foot in my mouth, but come live in Detroit with me for the season, then come back up here, and I’ll come with you. There are a million rinks in Michigan you can coach out of- hell, I’ll even take more lessons from you. I think you really helped my stride.”
She paused and looked at me like I was crazy, so I plowedon.
“I know you’re going to need to make an organized list of all the reasons why it would be a good or bad idea, but I don’t want you to. Don’t overthink it. Do you want to come back downstate with metoday?”
“I… I don’t know. I want to but that seems way too fast, TJ.”
