I scanned the room, making sure everything was going according to plan when a proud young dad rocking his baby in the crook of his arm caught my eye. Nowthatwas how you held a baby. I felt a laugh bubble up in my throat thinking about TJ holding Frankie and making him spit up all over me. What a beginning… The beginning of what, I still wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t ready to see whatever we had between us end.
I couldn’t tell if it was because these clients were so horrible that I didn’t enjoy this wedding as much, or if it had more to do with the fact that I was focusing more on my personal life thesedays.
Before TJ, I would be wholly consumed by the wedding in front of me and my brain would be analyzing each detail of every single precious wedding minute… but now, I just wanted it to be over so I could talk toTJ.
It dawned on me that for the first time in my adult life, my personal time mattered more to me than my bill-able hours. It was kind of a nice change.
The last text I received before I left the venue was from TJ:I wish I could give you a massage after your night, babe. I bet you’re zooming around making everything perfect. Headed onto the ice so I won’t be able to talk for a while.
Reading his text made me feel a burst of happiness in my chest that I wished I could hang on to forever. Because how was this guy real? He was the one playing a physical game and he wanted to give me a massage?
Even though I knew it was impossible, I wished more than anything at that moment that he could be waiting for me in my apartment when I arrived home...
…But that wish changed the second I gotthere.
He hadn’t responded to the quick text that I’d sent saying that I’d gotten home safely, so I checked again to make sure that the game had ended- which it had. The final score was 3-2. TJ ended up getting a goal and an assist, helping the Crewman to snag the win over New York. So, call me crazy, but I went on Instagram to see if he was active.
When I opened the app, I wanted to throw my phone away from me… because it felt like a cold hand seized myheart.
I looked at my phone again for confirmation and focusing on it hurt worse.
Because there was TJ with his lopsided smile and swoopy hair… in between two sexy, blonde girls in low-cut Detroit t-shirts with boobs for days.
Puck bunnies.
I knew they’d make their appearance soon enough. I loathed them growing up. They were groupie girls who always ran around hockey players to catch one. When I was young, I half envied them and how they had a life while I wasted away all my hours training. The other half of me wanted to scream at them to get out ofmyplace. The rink was where I belonged, not them. I think all of us figure skaters felt that way.
There was a very obvious difference between young and old puck bunnies though… With age, these girls hoped to make the hockey guys cheat on their significant others just to brag that they bagged a player.
Wait… girlfriend... I wasnothis girlfriend. TJ had never asked me to be his girlfriend. We had never talked about beingexclusive.
So why did this feel like betrayal?
I blocked my face with my pillow and let out a muffled scream.
I knew he was too good to be true. Teammates. Linemates. Whatever. It really all was a bullshit-Disney-type pipe dream. No guy was as nice as he was… it just wasn’t possible. I called it back in the summer, but still allowed myself to be duped.
Where I first thought he had zero emotional intelligence, I’d grown to think he actually had a fairly deep IQ in that area. Now I knew it was all just for show. He just didn’t want to be alone for the preseason hockey events.
I stalked over to my bathroom, trying not to make any noise. I did not want to talk this through with Nikki. For some reason, the photo of TJ flanked by the bunnies made me feel ashamed. Like I’d been stupid enough to be played a fool by him.
Because I thought he cared about me.
I thought he chose me.
I quickly turned on the shower and got in.
I needed to clean this day away and let myself cry it out of my system.
I would not call him. I would not beg. I would not compete against those kinds of girls- the kind who were so effortlessly beautiful and knew how to hold their liquor and be sexy…
I knew it was only a matter of time. Ihadtold myself. I pegged him right from the start: He was a typical hockey douche. He was just better than most at disguising it.
But that didn’t stop my heart from hurting. And the shower could only mask the tears, not end them.
I admitted to myself what I was too afraid of before: That he felt like the last shot for me. The last shot at a relationship. The last shot to have a Someone just for me.
And deep down, I knew I didn’t want to go back to life before; especially not now that I knew how special having a Someone could be. Not now that I knew that kind of Irish-goodbye love did exist.
