And I had to face it that he was a hockey player. A hot one too. I wasn’t stupid. There was a reason why they had the hook-up reputations they did. Growing up in the rink, I’d always see countless girls waiting in the arena’s lobby after hockey games hoping to catch the hockey guys’ attention. I imagined there’d be thousands waiting in line for TJ now that he’d made his debut tonight. And if I wasn’t “sexy” enough for him, would he just forget about me? Would I lose him before we even started? Would we succumb to an “almost”? I had a feeling that an “almost” with him would hurt just as much as the real deal with someone else. Because the truth was- I liked him, and I didn’t want tonight to be the little slide to the end of us and to me being alone again. Not when I’d come this far.
I felt hopelessly desperate in my desire to be with him. So, I figured the alcohol would give me the confidence I needed.
I knew now that alcohol wasnotthe way to accomplish that… and what had TJ said? I must’ve known tonight wouldn’t go much further? What had he meant by that? He didn’t want to be with me in that way? He didn’t see that with me?
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I needed to shut my anxiety off for the night. I could do this, I could be normal, I told myself. I could communicate with him. I needed to just doit…
I picked up his clothes from the floor and began changing into them. It felt intimate; it felt like a girlfriend thing to do. I cherished the way they smelled like him. While the clothes were soft and comfy, they were way too big for me. The basketball shorts he gave me barely clung to my hips and threatened to fall down if I moved too fast, and they were almost Capri pants on me. The shirt went past my butt. But I made note of the brand because I wondered if they made girls’ clothes just as soft.
I entered his bedroom ready to demand what he had meant when he said tonight wouldn’t be going further, but his reaction to me when I emerged was not what I expected.
He full on cracked up at the sight of me. His whole body shook with laughter as he fell to his side on the bed.
“Stop it,” I demanded, practically stomping my foot like a five-year-old.
“I’m sorry, you’re just so tiny!” he wheezed between laughs. “You’re just so tough and sassy, but pocket-sized,” he smiled. “God knew what he was doing when he made you. You’d be way too powerful if you were bigger.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling defensive. “You always laugh at me, TJ.”
“I always laugh when I’m with you. It’s part of why I like you so much,” he argued. He patted his bed next to him, but I didn’t budge.
“You prolly just want to hook up,” I blurted out.
The easy smile slid off his face as he studied me.
“No,” he said softly. “That’s not all I care about. That’s only one part of relationships, Ellie,” hesaid.
Relief coursed through me, but looking at TJ, he looked… sad?
His eyebrows pinched together. “Kinda hurts that you’d think of me like that,” he said quietly.
Now a war was waged inside of me, because his proclamation made me even more attracted to him, and I suddenly felt the urge to reassure him.
“I mean, hooking up with you would be amazing,” he said with his lopsided smile backagain.
39. TJ
She still stood at the foot of my bed, looking stuck and unsure.
“So why did you say tonight wouldn’t be going further?” she asked, looking much smaller than her usual self. I wasn’t sure if it was because of her lack of confidence in this conversation or my clothes, but I needed to fix it.
“Oh, I want to, babe,” I told her. “C’mere,” I patted the bed beside me. At some point in our timeline, she somehow started to question her sexiness, and that was my fault. I wanted to reassure her that me not pushing her should not be confused with me not having interest or attraction to her.
Seemingly more satisfied than when she first stepped out of the bathroom ready to fight, she wordlessly flipped the light switch and tiptoed around my bed to lay down next to me. But she didn’t snuggle into me like usual. She lay flat on her back a few inches away, making it feel like there was a barrier between us again.
“Explain, please,” she said, looking up at the ceiling.
“You got a lil shwasted tonight, babe. And that’s totally fine,” I told her. “I want you to have a good time with me. Like I said, I’m glad you trust me, and I don’t want to break that trust. I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret while you are shwasty with me. When we’re finally together, I want it to be intentional and one thousand percent committed.” I rubbed her tense shoulders and tried again to comfort her. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, and I hope you don’t plan on leaving anytime soon either, so why rush things?”
I reached to hold her hand, which lay between us, and was happy when she didn’t pull back. I’d take what I could get.
I listened to the rhythm of her breathing in the dark for a couple minutes. When she didn’t respond after a while, I asked, “Yousleeping?”
She sighed. “No.”
“Wanna talk more? I’m still wired,” I admitted.
She rolled on her side to face me. “Were you nervous today?”
