His eyes flew open, and we both paused, looking at each other for what felt like a whole minute. His body against mine felt like it was searing hot.
I swallowed and pushed past him to retrieve the food from the microwave, but my mind was going a mile a minute. Part of me wanted to march over, grab the front of his sweatshirt, pull him down to my level, and finally kiss him. The other part of me… wasn’t brave enough.
I sensed him behind me as I took out my frustration on the food while stirring it up. Why wouldn’t he just kiss me already? He must’ve known that I wanted him to? Why was this so awkward? Was this just another way I was messed up?
“Yeesh, I think you’re done,” he chuckled and touched my arm to make me stop mushing the food.
I could feel his hot breath on my neck, making me hold mine, as he uttered, “Thank you,” while grabbing his meal from around me.
I watched him move toward the living room like nothing happened between us at all. He casually grabbed the clicker,my clicker, like he owned the place, and then relaxed back onto the couch.
“Spend more time with me babe, you’ll be at competitions before ya know it. I’ll teach you my ways,” he said with a wink aimed in my direction before digging into his meal.
He was being frustratingly calm compared to the eagerness he possessed on our first date, and I wondered what exactly had sparked the change.
I wasn’t sure when things had changed on my end either, but they truly had. He moved from an annoyance, to a fun pretend Someone, to an actual possibility in just a couple short days.
And now, I just wanted him to kiss me.
26. TJ
I laid in bed the next morning cuddling with Ellie and watching the sunlight stream into the windows, highlighting her golden hair. I smoothed it out against the pillow, spying bits of red, gold, and blonde, and wondered which color was more dominant when she was a kid.
She shivered against me, and I tugged the weighted blanket further up on us. I noticed every time she tried to shift the blankets in the night, they barely budged. It was funny to me that she bought such a heavy blanket when there were definitely lighter ones out there that could still get the job done.
For a girl who was closed-off and snarky, she had a soft, needy side to her, even if it did only make an appearance when she slept. During the day, I felt like she still held me at an arm’s length away, but through the night, she snuggled into me like a puzzle piece that fit perfectly, and I loved it. Ellie was all small and all smooth, and she made me feel needed; she made me feel like a protector.
I could tell she wanted to kiss me last night in the kitchen just as bad as I wanted to kiss her. But the timing and situation didn’t feel right. I wanted her to initiate. I wanted her to have that power. I needed to know that she fully wanted it… so I’d drag my feet until she did… Communicating about it would probably be a better idea, but for some reason I always clammed up or stuck my foot in my mouth around her.
As a guy with sisters, I thought I’d be good at figuring out women. I thought I had a leg up because I was so used to talking to them. Turns out, I needed to learn how to keep some things unspoken. It’s almost like my sisters desensitized me in some ways because I took it for granted that women always felt in control and like they could shove me around when I mouthed off. I should clarify- growing up, we showed love through roasting at my house- the closer you were, the crazier the jokes could be… now I realized words had different weight with other relationships, and I still needed to figure out how to communicate correctly with Ellie. She eyed me skeptically, almost shifty- like every time I spoke, she was waiting for the other shoe to fall.
My sisters scared me- but in stupid ways- like as kids, they’d offer me ice cream and give me cold mashed potatoes in a cone. As we got older, they’d joke about making my best friends fall in love with them and then smashing their hearts like I knew theycould.
With Ellie, it was the vulnerability of the situation that scared me. It was the thought of her not wanting or needing me here with her, or her not reciprocating how strongly I felt for her. Like what if I laid my heart at her feet and she triple axel toe-picked it to death? What if she never fully accepted or trusted me? I felt an urgency in trying to show her the advantages of being with me. I just needed to find a way to explain these things to her without sounding like anass…
She stirred awake then, first stretching out all limbs, and then lazily rubbing her sleepy eyes.
“You’re not a morning person, are ya, Brampton?” I asked.
“How long have you been up?” she mumbled. “Shit.” She sat up fast and looked around alarmed. “What time isit?”
“Don’t worry, it’s only 7,” I laughed. “I wouldn’t turn off your alarm and not wake you. You just woke up earlier than usual.” I rubbed her back to calm her.
She blew out a breath, laid back down on her side, and closed her eyes.
When I didn’t move back toward her, she scooched her butt back ever so inconspicuously closer to me.
I laughed at that. “If you want to cuddle, all you have to do is ask, babe,” I told her.
“Hmm,” was all she responded.
I took that as a hint to give her what she wanted. I grabbed her little body and pulled her into me and she seemed to curl tighter. I draped my arm over her stomach, and she held it with her other hand.
“So nice,” she mumbled.
I felt myself smile; I could stay here all day and be a happy man.
I ended up peacefully snoozing along with Ellie for another hour until her alarm finally sounded.
