When he said it, I felt it. He made me feel cherished, he always had. It was such a change from Kevin who treated me with so much disinterest it stripped me of confidence for years after I’d had Canyon.
I stretched to kiss his jaw. This amazing man who made me feel so loved. We hadn’t said it since that first time, but he made me feel it so strongly.
“What you see is because I eat healthy, dummy,” I told him.
“As long as I’m your dummy,” he said against my lips and reached around my waist with his one hand, pulling me on top of him.
“Okay, so what’s the plan here?” I asked, looking down at his face.
He sucked on his top lip again, his thinking face. I smoothed a hand over his scruff. He had one splotch of blond-ish hair, which I was happy hadn’t changed. He was annoyed by it in college, but I always thought it gave his face more character.
“How about I pull a Romeo and just climb into this window here and then come up to your bedroom after?” He leaned back to look into my eyes as he proposed.
“Ehh…” I thought it over, “I really don’t want to leave anything unlocked or open… it’s just me and Canyon here.”
“Babe,” he rolled his eyes at me, imitating me for sure. “You don’t have to worry about that. I’ll be here to protect you guys,” he pulled his good arm up and flexed it.
It was my turn to roll my eyes again. Although, he really had filled out nicely. While he was always strong in college, he was now manly strong. He was much thicker, like he really could take on anyone.
“How about you just give me a key then?” He asked hesitantly with raised eyebrows. “Too forward?”
I inwardly grimaced and hoped I didn’t show anything on the outside. I didn’t want to make him feel bad, but I couldn’t handle the possibility of him ever giving a key back to me… and I was still afraid of that. I still wasn’t sure if he knew what being with me now would mean. It wouldn’t just be me. He’d have to be a step-father as well. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to take on a family man role right away. He had always said he wanted to though… but he could have any girl out there in the world with zero strings attached… why would he settle for a mother in her thirties who would always have interference from her son’s father. Even if Kevin left us alone about our relationship, what if he did step into our family and decide it was too much for him? I was trying to enjoy this while it lasted. Our relationship reached the final buzzer before, and I felt lucky to have this little bit of overtime with him… but I wasn’t looking forward to the next buzzer.
He could tell I was hesitating, but I wasn’t sure what to say.
He smoothed a large hand over my hair and kissed my forehead.
I laid my head against his chest, listening to his steady, strong heartbeat.
“Baby, I am here to stay,” he said firmly, as though he could read my mind. “Unless you kick me out, I want to be with you, okay?”
I nodded against his chest. His words made me want to cry. I wanted to trust him completely, but I was still holding back.
Grey had a key to our house ever since that night though. He knew Canyon’s bedtime was 9pm, but the kid usually weaseled another half hour out of me, so Grey usually showed up around 10:30.
One night Canyon and I had fallen asleep while watching a movie in the living room.
I woke up completely panicked when Canyon wasn’t next to me, but after a quick scan, I found Grey carrying Canyon up to his room with an apologetic look on his face. My heart swelled at the sight. Canyon was too heavy for me now, and I missed those days of carrying him to his bed. I was happy I could witness my baby looking like a baby again. He was so wise for his little eight-year-old self that sometimes I forgot he was only a second grader. And to see Grey step into a dad-like role completely melted my heart. He was already acting like more of a father than Kevin ever did. But seeing it made me hope for things I had no business hoping for… like for Canyon to have siblings… and for Grey to be a father. I needed to ease those things out of mind. That was a dream I’d had for a long time, but I couldn’t allow myself to hope for it. If it didn’t work out, I couldn’t hide myself away from the world like I did as a 22-year-old girl.
In the back of my mind, I knew that I was afraid of feeling completely vulnerable with Grey again. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but for some reason I was still guarded.
…But this morning, I knew I’d let Grey stay too long, because I heard noise from out in the hallway, alerting me that Canyon had woken up earlier than usual.
As much as I hated to, I urgently tried to wake Grey up.
He was always the heaviest sleeper. One time in college I tried to wake him up to ask where his toilet paper was because it was missing from his bathroom, and I got babble for like five full minutes and almost peed myself.
I tried to shake his body, but he was heavy.
I patted his face a couple of times, but still nothing.
I could hear Canyon’s feet padding the floor coming towards us.
“Shit, shit, shit,” I winced as a shirtless and pajama pants clad Canyon flew open the door and ran towards my bed.
He quickly jumped up on it and stood looking down over Grey and I with a confused look on his little face.
Grey appeared still sleeping even though Canyon was bouncing the mattress under him. I looked from him to Canyon.
