It killed me that she thought I’d care about something so natural and beautiful. She had never been self-conscious with me before. This again, was something I blamed myself for. I should’ve been by her side all these years giving her confidence and reassurance.
I touched the end of her shirt again, “Can I?”
She bit her lip and gave a nod.
I lifted her shirt over her head.
“God Jules. So fucking beautiful,” I said as earnestly as I could. I needed her to realize just how fucking perfect she was. How perfect we were together.
I trailed kisses from her stomach all the way up to her face.
Chapter Thirty-three: Jules- Present
We laid in each other’s arms, crashing down together and listening to the laughter and howling from the pool in the backyard. Laying in his arms felt like home. The late afternoon sun’s golden rays were spreading into the room lazily and I wished I could stay here with him forever. I didn’t want the outside world to interfere with us again.
I kissed his chest and looked up at him.
He looked so serene in that moment. The boy I loved had turned into a larger-than-life man, and now he was here with me again.
“I still love you,” he choked out. Tears were in the corner of his eyes. In all the years that we were together, I’d never seen him cry before. “I never stopped. I don’t even care if that’s not how you feel, I want you to know Julianna.”
It was my turn to tear up.
“My heart has always been yours, Greyson. For a while I didn’t know if I was afraid to love someone else or if I just gave you all I had,” I told him. “But I think once you love someone so fully, the way I loved you, you can’t just stop loving or turn it off. It doesn’t just go away. I think everyone you love forever carries a little of your love with them. And I didn’t hold back with you. I gave you my whole heart. There was never anything left for anyone else.” I paused; I didn’t want to say what I was thinking then.
He could sense I was holding back.
He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear. He was waiting me out just like he’d done as a kid.
“That’s also why it was so hard for me after us. I was completely broken. I couldn’t understand how you could just put a stop to it.”
His eyebrows drew together, “I didn’t stop Jules.”
I needed to get it all out and power through or else I never would.
“I watched your first game with the Titans. I knew I lost you, but I couldn’t stop loving you. I actually hated that I couldn’t turn it off.”
“But why,” his voice cracked and he looked pained, “why did you marry him then?”
I grimaced. It clearly hurt him. I took a deep breath. I knew he was bound to ask about Kevin. It affected him, but I hoped it was something he could understand. In the back of my mind, I knew that I would be so hurt if he married someone else. That was the one guilty relief I felt… that he stayed single.
“Honestly, I was stuck. One minute I thought I was going to Texas with you and the next thing I knew I was pregnant and alone at 22 with no money and no job.”
He was still holding me, so I went on.
“Looking back, I was so depressed. My grandparents should’ve been watching me, but instead I was drinking way too much and calling Kevin just to keep my company, which was shitty of me, but I paid for it. I told my grandparents I had gotten pregnant and they wanted me to get rid of it. I couldn’t. I was already so depressed; it would’ve killed me. They gave me an ultimatum- marry Kevin or be cut off. I didn’t really have a choice because I wanted what was best for my baby.”
He rolled away from me then and sat up on the edge of the bed, his back turned towards me. I missed his warmth immediately.
“I wasn’t best? Why wouldn’t you have tried to contact me?” His face was in his hands and his voice sounded strained. “I would have been there for you. I would have helped you. You didn’t give me a chance.” He said each sentence pointedly.
I was afraid to move toward him; to touch him, I had to explain it to him.
“What was I going to tell you? I already thought you didn’t want to be with me. Then you’d magically want me back after I’d gotten pregnant with someone else’s baby? I figured you were better off without me at that point. The pregnancy was the nail in the coffin of our relationship for me. I needed to grow up. I figured there was no turning back, but I knew I’d never love anyone the way I loved you.”
He was quiet. He stood then and closed his eyes with his good hand.
He shook his head, “I would’ve helped you. But Jesus. You were depressed… that we broke up… and I didn’t even break up with you!” He looked at me with a mixture of grief and anger over what had happened. “I was going to propose to you.”
