I pointed to my eyebrow then, “This happened in college hockey- your mom actually saw that one too,” I stopped myself then, wondering what kind of relationship Canyon thought his mom and I had in the past. This kind of relationship where she’d kiss me through any kind of gross stitches and not care. His curious frown told me he didn’t know much about us. I wasn’t sure what I should say exactly about the next scar.
“And this,” I felt the gash that ran under my cheek bone. It was half covered by scruff, I kept it that way on purpose. “This happened right after college, not from hockey. I was in a car accident,” I grimaced thinking about it.
“Ohh,” Canyon said gravely, “my mom knows about those, she was in a bad one too once. Before me.”
“She told you about it?” I asked him too quickly, wondering how much he knew- if he knew we’d been together. And that I had been the one driving.
“A little,” he said, squinting against the sun. “She doesn’t remember any of it though. She said it had to have been real bad because she got knocked out for a while and she said she gets a real bad feeling when she thinks about it.”
The kid might as well have dropped a bomb on me. I looked at him in shock.
“Did yours knock you out too?”
I nodded dumbly. That’s why she asked me about the scar. She didn’t forget it because it was unimportant- she really didn’t know what happened. To me. To us. The thought crossed my mind that maybe she could’ve lied to Canyon about it… but she really didn’t seem like the type of mom to lie to her kid. I needed to talk to her. I couldn’t wait anymore; I needed to do it today.
I found her in the kitchen working at her laptop. I walked right up to her. Standing in front of her, I looked down at her. She jumped slightly, and I felt bad for scaring her. It was still amazing to me that we were here, finally facing each other again. She shifted uncomfortably.
“Uh, where’s Canyon?”
“He’s up in his room, I asked him to give us a minute.” I reached and pulled her hand to my face. It burned on the scar. She seemed to shrink back a little, but I wouldn’t let her remove her hand from mine. Nerves coursed through me making me feel unsteady.
“This scar, you really don’t remember what happened?”
“Should I?” Her voice cracked. “Life went on, I get it. Stuff happened to both of us after, Grey. Let’s forget it,” She pulled her hand from mine and looked unsettled.
“No, you don’t get it. This wasn't after us. You were there,” I urged.
“No…I wasn’t.” She eyed me like I was insane. “I would've remembered that.”
“Jules. It was from a car accident. Driving back from Brecklin. You helped me pack all day and we were so tired! We were going to live together in Texas, you don’t remember?” I pleaded. “You were in an accident too, Canyon told me you remember that. Your accident was right at that time, wasn’t it? That summer. Please, think back.”
“I… no… I was in an accident, but….” she looked at me in confusion and hurt. “You weren’t there Grey.”
I felt like I’d been slapped in the face.
“I remember waking up in the hospital alone and scared,” she continued shakily, not making eye contact with me. “Not even my grandparents were there, I figured you’d come soon, but you never did. I had no one, and I was scared and I…” She looked at me then, seemingly gaining confidence to raise her voice at me. “I needed you, Grey. And then, when I got my phone back…” her face clouded over. She stood up, pushed past me.
My frustration mounted new levels at that point; never in my life had I felt so helpless. I needed her to understand but it was like we were speaking two different languages at this point. I felt tears sting my eyes, probably the first real tears since I’d lost her all those years ago.
“That hurts me more than I can even say,” I struggled out. I was gripping the kitchen counter so hard my knuckles were white. Thinking of her alone in a hospital, not knowing what happened and missing me. And I wasright there. I hadn’t tried hard enough.
“I was there,” I clenched my jaw and shut my eyes, “I was outside that hospital dry heaving on the grass and crying because your grandfather had me banned from the hospital. I was there every day, Jules. Until you left. Then you were completely gone,” I paused, not knowing if I should continue. “You know why I can’t play anymore?”
She was silent, but then quietly said, “Concussions, right?”
“You saw my first bad one in high school… My second was that accident. And I didn’t really take care of myself after that like I should have. It was my own fault. And your granddads. I would have been lying by your side resting the whole time instead of drinking and fighting anyone who came near me and trying like hell to do anything to feel even a little okay. I just wanted to be by your side. You have to know that,” I pleaded. “Think back to us, why wouldn’t I have wanted to be there? I loved you so damn much.”
She backed up against the white pantry wall and scrunched her eyes shut.
“Grey- I just don’t-”
I moved to stand across from her then, now too scared to touch her. I waited for her to finish just like I had when we were younger.
“I- I woke up alone. When I got my phone back it had those texts from you.”
“Begging to come see you? Yeah, I know, I must’ve left about a hundred. Probably blubbering and crying-”
“No,” She said coldly and looked at me squarely with a strange expression, “you broke up with me. You even told me ‘You need to stop. This is over.’ Like all those years was nothing. Like I was a child acting up. You know how bad that hurt?”
