Everything changed when I was in that stupid hospital bed. The life I thought I was going to have had been ripped away from me and what replaced it was a weird fog of a life that I didn’t want.
My grandparents arranged for me to move into our cottage in the Hamptons where they’d be for the rest of the summer, so they could supposedly “look after me as I recovered.”
I hated the loneliness of the Hamptons. I’d only ever gone for a week at a time in the past because I was usually training all summer and because Greyson was never allowed to come with me. I had no excuse to avoid it anymore. But I had to face it: I had no plans or job. The Hamptons with my grandparents was my only choice.
I locked myself in my designated room all July, not even bothering to finish job applications or even step onto the ice to fulfill coaching commitments that I’d previously signed on for. I couldn’t do it. Everything reminded me of him and of what I’d lost- my whole life with him. I wanted to marry him and have babies with him and have every night and every morning with him. And now I had nothing. I was lost in a void that didn’t make any sense.
I knew in the back of my mind I’d never love anyone else.
It was a hopeless mantra I repeated all day, every day. I couldn’t give my heart to anyone else. My heart was with him, and I needed to accept that.
I told myself I needed to stop being pathetic and to embrace hatred for him. He didn’t even fight for us. He just killed everything we had. But I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t seem to accept that as an answer.
My love and hate for him were becoming intertwined. I couldn’t get past the fact that I was strong before he came along. Maybe not happy, but independent. He was the one that interjected himself into my life. Why do that if you knew you’d be leaving?
I thought I had hit my lowest; I really, truly did.
But then came my grandparents fucking Labor Day party and things went from bad to way way worse.
_ _ _ _
“Honey, you look lovely!” My grandmother crooned. Gag. She hadn’t asked me once in the past month if I was okay. I was just a pain to her.
“And this, Kevin, is my granddaughter, Julianna,” my granddad proudly said to a tall stranger. “Kevin is a promising guy in the office,” he said with a wink.
Kevin leaned forward from behind my granddad to shake my hand and my granddad gave me a not-so-inconspicuous grin and raised his eyebrows as if to say- he’s a good prospect. It made me sick. They were foaming at the mouths at the idea of handing me off to anyone who wasn’t Greyson.
I gave a tight-lipped polite smile and shook his hand. It was easy to notice he was tall and handsome and probably around 28-30, but not my type at all. He had the slicked back hair and grin that said, ‘I know I’m good looking,’ topped off with all the high-end brand clothes and a huge ass watch that screamed money man. I’d been around this type of guy my whole life. The kind my granddad liked. Everything that Greyson was not.
But I couldn’t help but think, how easy it would be- to date someone and it not being a fight every time their name was mentioned. To not feel tense and afraid of what both parties would say whenever a holiday or family event came up.
But he was no Grey. Grey’s eyes danced excitedly and mischievously, like he was always one fun step ahead of you; like he had some great surprise in store just for you. Kevin’s eyes were practically black and flat, and his smile was fake, and his hand was meaty and gross- definitely not that of a skilled athlete.
“Would you like a drink?” He asked with a sly smile, while looking me up and down.
Fuck it. He was probably a harmless business snooze.
“I’d love about five,” I said dryly. My grandparents laughed like I was being funny. Eat your hearts out, I thought, and I let Kevin lead me away to the bar.
That was my first mistake. But I didn’t keep count, considering I did have about five drinks.
With Grey, I loved to be tipsy. He’d be so sweet, letting me lean on him and he’d brushing his hands through my hair. He’d lean down and kiss my head every couple of minutes, and I couldn’t wait to get back to his bed and cuddle with him.
But maybe that was what being young and in love was like- exciting and safe and fun. Feeling jittery at the prospect of getting to spend the night together. Loving looking at him and brushing my thumb under his eye. Feeling so lucky to be together.
Maybe because I wasn’t so young anymore, I’d never have it that way again. I’d never feel so absolutely loved and free.
Maybe our love had only been fueled by innocence. We experienced all our firsts together: loving, drinking, sex, it was all exciting. Maybe it would’ve been exciting to experience all of that with anyone?
Or maybe that was how the world worked. The people who got lucky were the ones who stayed with their first love. They were able to keep that innocent and pure kind of love that made you blind to all faults. They felt that happy drunk on life young euphoria with that special first love and were able to keep it. Did everyone else just pick someone and decide to settle with them and all their “love” was just a lie?
That thought made me want to drink even more. I figured if I was drunk enough, maybe I wouldn't be so sad, and maybe I wouldn’t care that my new place would be next to a guy like this instead of Greyson.
Kevin led me around the party proudly. I nodded and smiled when I had to.
He knew exactly what to say to everyone. No coaching needed. No making side jokes at the rest of the party’s expense. He was a mingling pro. I didn’t open my mouth once and I think he preferred it that way.
He kept giving me sly smiles and looking down my dress. Whatever. It was easier to get drunk with him than with my grandparents. I tried to make it okay in my head. He wasn’t bad looking. He had a good job.
