I decided I needed a jog. It was a crappy day out- the sky was threatening to cry too, making it a drizzly mess, but running outside would be a thing of the past in a month when Minnesota decided to start freezing. A run would clear my head. Maybe I’d get in amazing physical condition with all my free time.
I quickly entered my house, trying to wipe away my gross mascara stains, and changed into some running clothes.
I threw my hair in a ponytail as I walked down the front porch steps, turned my music full-blast, and let my feet pound the pavement.
After running through my entire neighborhood in the drizzle, I’d decided to push myself further. I figured if I made it to downtown, I could always call myself an uber to get back home. Besides, I had nothing else better to do with the day.
I turned onto third street where I knew I could find a Starbucks, when the familiar outline of a man stopped me in my tracks.
I could tell it was him walking from behind.
He looked like a hockey player, there was no getting around that. He looked the exact same as he did nine years ago, just more filled out now, stronger. He was a towering 6’4. He’d shot up through high school, opposite of me who stayed a solid 5’2.
A thin hoody tank covered his built chest. He had his hood pulled up and was stretching his legs. He must’ve been on a run as well. The exposed muscles in his arms bulged. I noticed right away he had finished the sleeve of tattoos on his right arm. It made him look even more impossibly tough. The last time I’d seen him he had only one on his upper arm, a tribute to Tenny Park in Minnesota. He said that was his home. It was the place he’d grown up and loved me versus where he was born in Vancouver. Now I wondered what else filled the sleeve… and if he covered that tribute to our home.
I couldn’t move. I wasn’t sure where to go. Did I turn and hide? Or did I face this head on? My entire body felt hot. How did one say hello to the person they lost their virginity to? To the only person they ever loved? The person who’d been their everything for six years- longer than some marriages. I had envisioned this meeting between the two of us so many times in the first few years after it was over. Sometimes it’d be a happy reunion...sometimes I envisioned myself slapping him in his stupidly handsome face. But that dream died a while ago when I figured we’d never see each other ever again.
I needed to make a decision.
After holding my breath for what felt like a full minute, I took a step forward onto the brick sidewalk. I’d take my time walking towards Starbucks and leave it up to fate. If he turned around and saw me, it was meant to be. If not, same. In the back of my mind, I knew I’d be slightly disappointed if I didn’t finally speak with him today. I needed to rip off the Bandaid. My son had spoken to him and interacted with him and I hadn’t yet. That felt so odd to me. But he probably hadn’t even known it was my son. Canyon had Kevin’s last name.
I all of a sudden felt very conscious of what I was wearing and berated myself for not re-doing my makeup…. what did it matter though? It’s not like I was trying to impress him. After playing in the NHL he probably had some model girlfriend. I just needed to break the ice. For Canyon, I told myself.
I was ten feet from Starbucks and him when he turned around.
He stared at me and took out his headphones.
Neither of us moved.
“Uh, hi,” I told him.
He looked like he was afraid to speak.
“Jules?” He pulled down his hood and blinked his dark eyes several times, focusing them on me.
“Uh… yeah. Hi.”
It felt like neither of us knew what to say or how to interact with one another. Did I give him a hug? Did I nod and just walk by?
He was silently studying me there on the sidewalk.
“Were you crying?” He asked quietly.
I felt sheepish then and looked away, “It’s Canyon’s first day back at school,” I offered lamely, feeling my cheeks heat up. “I guess I’m just one of those crazy moms,” I tried to joke and roll my eyes, but it came out flat.
He abruptly stepped toward me, making me flinch, before pulling me into a hug.
It felt so comforting that I nearly cried. His hug felt the exact same as it had for so many years. His chest was so broad and warm. But it didn’t last. He turned rigid and awkwardly pulled back.
His quick embrace was replaced with the freezing cold. It felt like it’d gotten ten degrees colder.
“I..uh… sorry, I didn’t mean to… uh,” His eyes shifted beyond me.
“Thanks,” I said, cutting him off and taking in a shaky breath.
He turned to walk away, but then turned back. “Where is he going to school?” His dark eyebrows pinched together in curiosity.
“Caraway Elementary,” I gave a soft smile, where I had dreamed of teaching, but never got the chance to.
