“She criticized the way Dylan and I split the bills,” I say self-consciously. “I insisted on covering the groceries when I moved in, because he was paying the mortgage and utilities. When he bought me the car, I always paid for my own gas, stuff like that. I never had a problem with that, but Rachel did.”
I finally look up at Hawk’s eyes in the rearview mirror, and he seems focused on the road.
“Did groceries include diapers, formula, that type of shit?” He asks almost angrily after a few minutes.
“Yeah, I mean, in the beginning, I breastfed, so it was just diapers, but yeah. Dylan always told me to tell him when DJ needed something and he’d take care of it, but it felt stupid to ask for every little thing. I’d tell him if it was a large purchase.”
Hawk’s silent again, and I get this sick feeling in my stomach, like I’ve done something wrong.
“If someone earns twice as much as you do, it’s not exactly fair to do things 50/50, is it?”
“Probably not.”
“Have you two talked about this?”
“Not really,” I admit, my face heating. I feel so stupid. “I…” I take a deep breath and focus on DJ’s sleeping face. “I was in a weird place in life when I met him, and I let myself be carried, like a plastic bottle in a river.”
Like I’m doing now.
“Your friend was right. You shouldn’t have to ask your man for every little thing,” he says, more kindly this time.
“Well, that’s a pointless conversation to have now,” I say, my tone falsely light. “Hindsight and all that.”
Hawk turns the music up slightly and hums to a song about a woman named Anya.
I feel so drained all of a sudden.
I close my eyes and finally allow myself to think about the huge rock I noticed on Rebel’s finger. I can almost taste the humiliation I felt.
There’s this sick need inside me to casually ask Hawk what he thought of Rebel, in the hopes that he’ll say she’s nothing special. Or that we’re nothing alike. Or, in a fantasy world, that I’m so much better than she is.
I don’t give in to it.
“Marissa,” Hawk calls out to me as he pulls over onto the breakdown lane.
“What?” I ask.
“Are you alright?” He rummages around the glove compartment and hands me an energy bar of some sort. “Your lips have gone white. Eat that. Now.”
I obey only because I’m starving. Have I even eaten breakfast, with all the packing anxiety this morning?
I hear the door open, and then Hawk pulls me out of the car. His arm around my waist feels nice. He is so big and solid. I lean into him at first, but then I abruptly step back.
Stupid, stupid Marissa. Already looking for another man to lean on. Haven’t you learned anything?
“Are you alright?” He asks, his warm, chocolate eyes scanning my face.
He runs his hand over his head, and I wonder what it feels like. I don’t think I’ve ever touched a shaved head before.
“I am now.”
He looks like he’s gonna hug me, and I can almost smell his fresh, green-smelling perfume, but then, he doesn’t.
“Should we get back on the road?” He asks, and I nod.
When we enter Phoenix, memories of the life lived here swirl around my head. Memories of high school, Mom…
“How do you feel about everything? The move, the jobs?” Hawk asks. “Are you excited, nervous, scared?”
