“I am never going to forgive myself,” he said, harshly.“I’m taking you north.Eleanor’s cleared out the house in Calgary, but we’ll stay somewhere different.Sigma will never find you, Ro, I’ll makesurethey don’t.If you still want to come back and run operations for the Society we can do that too.But I am never,ever,letting you out of my sight again.You decide to go on an op, I’m going with you.You decide to go civilian and disappear, I’m in.And if you decide to get out of this car and throw yourself over that cliff, guess who’s going to be right behind you.”
Her entire body ached.She closed her eyes, her skull rippling with pain.“I killed him.”Her voice was dry as a bleached skeleton.“My mother always said I should use my talent for good.”
“Itwasgood.”Though there was no traffic, he checked the blind spot before pulling out.His leather jacket made a slight creaking sound, and he passed his hand over his hair again as if forgetting it was cut short.He looked, as usual, impossibly calm and precise.“You got rid of a fucking plague upon the earth, angel.Believe me, I know how you feel.I can’t touch anyone’s mind without killing them or driving them fucking mad.Anton trained me by hooking me on Zed.I couldn’t get my hit until I broke some poor bastard to the appropriate degree.More often than not, they were used for target practice afterward.”The car moved smoothly, tires whispering.“I just wish I would’ve been there to kill him so you didn’t have to.I amnevergoing to forgive myself.”
“Forgiveyourself?”She couldn’t stop the bitter little laugh that boiled out past her lips.“I left you there, Justin!And I… I…”
I betrayed the Society.I could have been tortured into betraying Headquarters.Especially if I was strapped into that chair and Anton touched me.I don’t think I could have stood it if he’d gone to work on me.
Her right hand smacked against the window.
Justin reached, caught her left, gently.The touch sent another wash of soothing energy over her skin, sinking in.“Calm down.It isn’t as if you had any goddamn choice.Now just get some rest.We got you out of the heaviest Sig installation in the country, and you may have killed their head of Operations right after I took out that blind bastard.They’re in for a major bureaucratic shakeup.Only good thing about the goddamn government is that they need paperwork to go to the bathroom.”
You don’t understand.It soothed her to speak without words.Regular speech didn’t have the tones, the shades of meaning, nuance blending into nuance.She wanted to slide into his mind and stay there, secure in his certainty.His mental house wasclean, not like the diseased pit of Jilssen’s brain or the squirming, twisted parasite that was Anton.And also, the fishhook maggot-squirm that was the blind man twisting in her head.
She was never going to feel clean again.
“Revenge.I wanted revenge.”Her voice broke again.“I still do.I thought I was better than that.”
“You are.Just rest, angel.”He sounded so goddamn sure.He slid his fingers through hers, holding her hand as he drove.“Take it easy for a little while.Breathe.”
She stared out the windshield while dawn came up.Despite the fear, her terrified grasp on consciousness began to fade.The wheels of the car made a low soothing sound against the pavement, and she began to believe that she might almost be alive.And safe.Not that it mattered.
Her breathing hitched on a last broken little sob, and she passed out gratefully, sliding into darkness.
Full terrified consciousness in the dark, a sleeping weight on the mattress right next to her.For one vertiginous moment she thought she was strapped back in the chair, Jilssen tightening the restraints as he leered and cupped his crotch.Anton leaned on his cane in the background, the lab stretching and distorting like a funhouse mirror.
A scream tore at her throat; when Justin lunged into wakefulness and grabbed her wrists she thrashed blindly.But his hands were gentle; he held her while she sobbed, the borders of her mind clean and intact.Even so, hereachedthrough the link, his steadiness reassuring and the last fading burn of Zed withdrawal skittering insect-feet she felt against her own flesh.He flicked the cheap green-glass bedside lamp on before he pulled her into his lap, rocked her while she shuddered and sobbed.
She finally quieted, his fingers stroking her back.She sighed, though the shivers coming through in waves didn’t halt.The naked feeling of dampers soaked over her, familiar, helping to dispel the nightmare.
“Better?”he asked finally, his lips against her temple.He didn’t sound sleepy at all.
No, I’m not.“Better,” she whispered, then a deep hitching breath.“My God.I could have given away Headquarters.If they’d tortured me?—”
“You wouldn’t have.You’re stronger than you think.”The headboard, bolted to the wall, creaked as he leaned back.If he was uncomfortable with her in his lap, he gave no sign.As a matter of fact, when she tried to wriggle away he tightened his hold, and an almost-contest ensued, her attempting to squirm free and Justin almost negligently keeping her still.
They were both breathing hard by the time she froze, leaning her head against his shoulder, cuddled into his chest.His heartbeat thudded under her ear.
“It’s not ever going to stop,” she whispered.“What are we going to do?When we get old, or if…”Stop it, Rowan.Just stop it.
“Old age and treachery will always win out over youth and inexperience.That’s a direct quote, by the way.”He actually sounded amused.He touched her shoulder; lifted a slippery strand of pale hair.
“Not what I meant.”Her head was muzzy, but the pain of a compulsion buried below the surface of her conscious mind had ceased.“I can’t do this.”It was a soft, despairing moan.
The volcanic anger had extinguished itself, leaving only a howling emptiness.The rage that had possessed her in Zero-Fifteen was gone, replaced by ashes and smoke drifting through her mental landscape—wrecked, smoldering trauma.
“Give yourself a little time,” he said, into her hair.“Don’t worry so much.Even if it is a losing goddamn fight, at least we’re on the right side.That’s worth something, don’t you think?Look.”He shifted, as if his legs had started to go to sleep, but his arms turned to iron when she tried to slide away.“One day, sometime, somewhere, they’re going to lose.They can’t keep it up forever.”
She let out a choked half-sob.“You know what Jilssen said?He wanted to breed us.He said if he could breed out the stubbornness, it would make a good soldier.”
Her lips moved against the bare skin of his shoulder; he took a soft, deep breath.She shifted her weight, feeling a familiar insistent hardness pressing against the outside of her hip, and a wild panicked laugh rose behind her teeth.
Well, at least I know he’s still interested.Guilt slammed through her again.How could she eventhinkabout sex at a time like this?
“He’s probably right.”Justin paused.“Of course, I can’t see any child of yours lacking for stubbornness.”He continued stroking her hair, untangling with infinite gentleness.
The laugh finally jolted its way free.“I’m sorry.”
