‘Can I ask you a question? If you feel like you are finally waking up and getting to know your true self – can you let me know what it is she wants in life? You said you feel a disconnect?’
Shrugging her shoulders, she takes a deep breath. ‘She’s not sure, if truth be told. I’m still exploring that part of myself. I just can’t help but feel as if a big change is coming and things that seemed to fit before don’t seem to fit any more.’
‘What kind of things?’
Just as she is about to respond, my dashboard display lights up with notification of an incoming call from Saul. No doubt he is about to inform me of another pigeon attack, or it will be his pal, Wigan, on the other end of the line wanting to say hello while the two of them have once again skipped the library for the pub instead.
‘I don’t have to answer that,’ I say, reaching out to hit the reject call button. I want Laura to know that she is important too. If she has been feeling neglected then I am keen to make her feel less so. I certainly don’t want to prioritise whatever drunken shenanigans son number one has been up to over Laura’s big life awakening.
I tap the screen and turn my attention back to her.
My dash display lights up again as an automated voice starts reading out a message from WhatsApp. ‘Mum, call me. It’s Granny!’
Sweet Lord, I think, what has my mother been up to now? Another TikTok gone viral? I dread to think. I can definitely wait to see whatever it is. A heist in Dunnes Stores? A new dance trend? ‘The Derry Mammy Shuffle’ perhaps?
‘I’ll call him later,’ I tell Laura. ‘Look, I love you, even if I’mnot always brilliant at showing it. And if you’re going through something then I’m here for you, no doubt about it.’
My phone bursts into life again. Saul. Again.
‘I think you better answer it,’ Laura says. ‘He seems keen to speak to you.’
The wee voice that lives in the back of women’s heads – the one that is adept at making you feel guilty about absolutely everything just in case – agrees with Laura.
‘I’m not strictly responsible for whatever comes out of this young’un’s mouth right now, okay? Technically he’s an adult,’ I say as I connect the call.
‘Saul, what has she been up to now? More TikTok nonsense?’ I say, a smile on my face.
‘No. Mum. It’s not that.’ Every single molecule in my body freezes. I cease to be able to breathe. My blood is surging through my veins with a mega dose of adrenaline because in those five words, I know, instantly, that something is wrong. I don’t dare move, or think, or blink. I will my body to just stay in this stasis because the moment that comes next could change everything. I have been here before. I know how this ends. I’ve been waiting for this call every single day since Daddy died, knowing that its arrival one day was a certainty.
‘Saul, it’s Laura. What’s up?’ My friend speaks where I cannot. She reaches her hand and places it on top of mine, the warmth of her skin providing me with the comfort of knowing I am not alone.
I hear my son inhale, and the subsequent crack in his voice when he starts to speak. ‘I was FaceTiming Granny.’
The part of my brain that focuses on the wrong thing all the time as a form of distraction startles at the thought of my mother – of Roisin Burnside – FaceTiming anyone. Then again, she has embraced the TikTok era so I suppose anything is possible.I feel a squeeze of my hand and look up and Laura’s face is stricken. I know that Saul is still talking and he’s upset. I can hear that he is crying and it all seems a little absurd. Why would he be crying because his granny was FaceTiming him? Except, I know, don’t I, that this is not what he is upset about. I know already something awful has happened. I just don’t want to hear it, or acknowledge it. I want to drive away from here and keep on driving to somewhere – I don’t know where. But my hands are shaking now; even with Laura’s hand on mine I can still feel that it is shaking, and I have to remind myself to breathe.
Everything comes into focus again as Laura squeezes tighter, forcing me to be present, and I hear Saul say that an ambulance is on its way and he didn’t know what else to do and he… and he… Laura is talking to him now, not that I am listening. This time I am driving. I’m driving towards my mother’s house with my brain zigzagging between a chorus of ‘Oh dear God, no’ and Whitney Houston. How is it that an hour ago, I was singing and dancing and having a great time and my biggest problem was that my boyfriend – the sweetest, warmest, most loving man – wants us to move in together?
What a fucking dick was I? And yes, I’m using the bad ‘F’ word because this is a bad ‘F’ word moment.
We stop at a roundabout and I am watching as one car after another circles from the right-hand side, halting my progress. My leg is shaking so violently that I stall the car, swear, then stall it again.
‘Pull over as soon as you can,’ Laura says.
‘I don’t have time to pull over!’ I know I am biting back and my voice is angry and I don’t mean it to be because I’m not angry at Laura. I’m angry at the world.
‘Pull over, Becca, before we have an accident.’ It isn’t arequest this time but an order, and without thinking I do exactly as I am told.
‘Swap seats with me. I’ll drive,’ she says, and again I do as I’m told because my brain is still singing Whitney Houston while imagining the worst scene that is awaiting me.
My hands don’t stop shaking, not even when I pull in and put on the handbrake. I’m not sure they will ever stop shaking again.
26
ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT’S ME, BECCA
Becca
‘Just breathe,’ Laura says, and I want to scream ‘HOW?’ at her, and not because I’m angry but because in this very moment I don’t know how to breathe any more. Not like a normal person anyway.
