‘I was off in my own wee world thinking about sneaky meetings in car parks and what people might think, so your timing was perfect.’ I smile.
‘What were you thinking about? A secret tryst between illicit lovers? A bit of dogging perhaps?’ She grins.
‘Laura O’Kane, I would not think of such things! It was more along the lines of drug deals and espionage.’
‘In fairness I have heard that the Strand Road McDonald’s in Derry is a KGB hotspot,’ she mocks.
‘Joke all you want. Stranger things have happened. Sure the German U-boats surrendered here during the Battle of the Atlantic.’
‘Outside McDonald’s? I don’t think so,’ she says, clearly wearing her sarky pants. It’s nice to have her joking. It doesn’t quite thaw the ice completely, but it’s a start.
We both laugh and then we fall into what can only be described as an uncomfortable silence. Laura is first to break it. ‘I think I’ll just get a McFlurry today. I had my tea before I came out. I’m not sure I could handle a Happy Meal this close to bedtime.’
‘How times have changed,’ I say with a smile.
‘Times, and my metabolism,’ Laura says. ‘I sadly no longerhave the ability to scoff excess carbs and not gain an immediate half a stone.’
She looks down at her still pretty flat stomach and I think of the tummy rolls I know are currently tucked into my belly warmers. But stuff it, I’m going to have some nuggets anyway. And a McFlurry. Because I’m worth it.
It doesn’t take long to get our food and to find a spot at the far end of the car park looking out over the River Foyle.
‘I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve been so quiet given everything that’s going on with Conal,’ she says as soon as we have wolfed our Smarties McFlurries down.
‘Well, yes and no,’ I say, afraid of where this might go. ‘You’re busy with uni and settling in there. And I get that has your focus and I definitely get that you want to stay out of things between Conal and me, because he’s your brother and with everything that happened with Simon…’ I trail off.
Laura shifts in her seat, turning to look at me. ‘Look, can I be honest?’
I want to say yes. I need to say yes. But my whole body is screaming no. It’s screaming,Tell me whatever version of this will make me feel okay about myself and not want to throw myself off a cliff. I force myself to nod and gird my loins for what comes next.
‘Conal is my brother and I love him. It’s only him and me now, you know. Mammy would haunt me into the next life if I didn’t have his back. But you’re my friend, and I love you too. Of course Mammy did as well.’
I pull a face. Because we both know that while Kitty did indeed love me, once upon a time, she would have gladly had my guts for garters after Laura and I fell out. I absolutely don’t blame her for feeling like this, especially since I know how much Laura was hurt by our falling out. Conal and Laura have done their level best to assure me that Kitty O’Hagan alwaysretained a soft spot for me and hoped that one day Laura and I would become friends again, but it is a cause of some distress to me that she didn’t live to see that day – that I didn’t get to apologise to her for hurting her daughter.
‘Laura…’ I start, but she raises her hand to stop me and starts to speak before I have the chance to get back into my full flow.
‘Can you let me just say what I need to? Please?’
The urge to throw up swoops back in and I’m a little worried I’m about to see a Smarties McFlurry return in glorious technicolour.
‘I haven’t spoken to Conal,’ she says. ‘You’re absolutely right. I don’t want to get into the middle of it. So I’m avoiding talking to you both. Because we do have a history that might make me particularly nervous about what could happen if you break up. That I might be worried that once again a boy would get between us. That it would become messy and, let’s face it, I’m the disposable one.’ Her voice cracks.
‘What?’ Incredulity is written all over my face. ‘Why would you think that?’ But before I’ve even finished asking the question I know the reason already. She thinks it because she was disposed of before. But I had been grieving the loss of my marriage and not in my right mind then and…
She just looks at me knowing as well as I do there is no need for her to answer my question.
‘That was different, and it was a long time ago. Things have changed. I’ve changed and I know – God, I know – that you were hurt badly, but I was hurt too. I thought you’d seen me as disposable – that you were putting Aidan first, which I could understand. But you were also putting bloody Simon first and that…’ I trail off.
‘You got to keep Niamh,’ she says in a small voice. ‘It hasalways been you and Niamh at the centre of this and I’ve been the third wheel.’
‘That’s just not true,’ I say. ‘Well, it’s true Niamh stuck with me after my marriage broke up, but you were never a third wheel, Laura. How can you think that?’
‘Because you and Niamh, you are next level,’ Laura says. ‘I love that for you. I love your bond. And now that Clara is here, you have that granny thing going on. That’s not going to happen for me for a long time – if God’s good to me – so I can’t relate.’
‘We’re a hell of a lot more than just grannies you know,’ I say, unable to get that defensive gremlin in my head to sit the fuck down and just listen instead.
‘I know. And you know I love you, but don’t you feel like there’s just some sort of imbalance? I’m always going to be on the sidelines, and this carry-on with Conal has just brought all those feelings to a head.’
This time when we fall back into silence we just sit in it. I don’t know about Laura but I am terrified that whatever I say now is going to be the wrong thing. I feel ashamed, and scared, and so very bloody sad. Because this is not how this year of rediscovering ourselves is meant to go and I never for one moment thought there was a wider issue of her feeling disconnected to Niamh and me. We’ve enjoyed the best year of rebuilding our friendship, trying new things, travelling together – on our weekend retreat, and a city break in Amsterdam. We’ve taken up wild-water swimming, and yoga. We even did one of the singalong brunch thingies where we drank too much, sang too loud and had a blast.
