I have shouted ‘Oh for fuck’s sake, Alexa’ at Alexa at least twice and then again felt very guilty. And a little scared. Come the rise of the machines the evil cyborg Alexa will hunt me down and beep their incessant alarms at me at increasing volume until my brain explodes. It’s possible I’ve overthought this. A lack of sleep will do that to a girl.
But I have tried to distract myself too. I really have. Between the shouting at machinery and writing myself notes vowing not to have a nervous breakdown. I knew I had to find a way to get through the days ahead just as I knew I had to give Conal the space to think. I also knew I needed the space to think myself, even if doing so was excruciatingly painful, which it most absolutely was.
From the moment I’d walked away from Conal in the park I’d felt a physical pain settle in my heart. I’d climbed back into my car a very different person to the woman who had walked towards the man she loved just minutes before.
‘Well, Daniel. I think it’s fair to say I fucked that one up,’ I’d said as soon as the power of speech returned and we sat in the car having watched Conal drive away.
Daniel has zero chill and clearly was absolutely enraged that I had fumbled the ball so badly. The whole way home he’d given me the best doggy side-eye. If he could speak, I know he would have said to me ‘Only you, Rebecca Louise Burnside, could spend a day worrying that your man-friend (boyfriend sounds too icky for folk of our age) was going to break up with you, only to absolutely shit the bed when it turned out he simply wanted to progress your relationship to the next level instead.’
I’d driven home from the country park worried he really, really might break up with me. Or that I might have unwittingly broken up with him. I still don’t actually know what happened, for sure. All I know is that it was very, very bad.
A megamix, in shuffle mode, of our exchange at the country park has been running through my head ever since.
I haven’t been able to eat. Not even toast, which I have made and abandoned too many times, much to Daniel’s delight because he just happens to be a total toast fiend.
I know I love Conal. Of course I love him. He is very, very loveable. Yes, I see my future with him. Don’t I? I’ve tried not to think too far into the future and just to enjoy the moment, but I think I still thought this was the real deal. Then again if every part of my body was telling me this is the real deal, then why I did want to puke at his suggestion of moving in together? It’s more than the house, I think. Although the issue of opening up my home to someone new is scary, I’d always kind of thought it might happen someday, hadn’t I? Even during the Decade of Celibacy that had come before Conal. I still, thought, maybe…
Then again, the fantasies of finding love again during the Decade of Celibacy didn’t tend to focus so much on my three-bed semi-detached house on the outskirts of Derry. They tended instead to involve being swept away to a cosy lodge in the snowy mountains of Canada by Michael Bublé, and indulging in making love on a soft fur rug in front of a roaring fire. The sheer unlikelihood of that ever coming true (make love in front of a fire? I’m menopausal… I would die of heatstroke) never stopped it from being a very satisfying way to lose myself for half an hour or so.
Never once had I really pictured Michael Bublé queuing for the toilet while Saul does his best to recreate the movieTitanicunintentionally by finishing his bath with more water on the floor than in the tub.
It never featured The Bublé and I standing in the kitchen, looking into the cupboards and trying to decide what to make for dinner.
The mundanity of day-to-day has never factored into my romantic or sexy dreams, but it’s unlikely that Conal and I would escape it if we lived together. And in my experience, mundanity breeds contempt.
I feel the gentle boop of Daniel’s nose against my arm as if he is nudging me to pull myself together and fix this mess right now. I cannot be getting in the way of his bromance with Lazlo.
‘I know,’ I tell him. ‘It will all work out. I’m sure of it. It’s just a bump in the road.’
Even as I say those words I know it is more than just a bump in the road. It’s a bit of a Mount Everest in the road, and I’m going to navigate it very carefully lest I be left dead on the way to the summit like the numerous failed explorers who are used as markers for those intrepid souls who come after them.
I’m not quite ready to admit that out loud yet though. Not to myself, not to Daniel and not even to Niamh and Laura. God… I think. Laura. She is going to hate me. As much as she had warned Conal not to hurt me under any circumstances, she also warned me not to hurt Conal.
‘He’s been hurt enough,’ she’d told me when we’d had that particular sibling/new girlfriend chat after Christmas. ‘So don’t you mess him around. You have my full blessing right up until the day you hurt him.’
Laura is usually such an easy-going, chilled-out person that her icy tone that day had low-key terrified me. I have no doubt whatsoever she meant it. Maybe I should send her a message and explain. Cut all this off at the pass. Tell her how I feel. Except, I think with a sinking heart, I’m not actually sure how I feel.
There is a chance I am going to drive myself mad worrying about this. I need to find some way to distract myself. And if Idon’t get focused on work, and the Fab Forties Club, I’ll have even more to worry about.
I need to get my head in the game – as Troy Bolton would say inHigh School Musical. So I send my emails, and I update the Fab Forties social media accounts, noting that we have seven new followers. Two appear to be admirals in the US Navy who can’t spell, four seem pretty genuine – they’re in the right demographic and location to suit us – and one makes me gasp and immediately pick up the phone to update the group chat.
Becks
Girls!!! Girls!!! You’ll never guess who has followed the Fab Forties Facebook page!
Niamh
Oooh, hang on. Is it David Duchovny who has finally decided to give you a go?
Becks
Sadly not. Thanks for rubbing it in. *winking emoji* *laughing emoji*
Laura
In class just now. But intrigued.
Niamh
