The word lands in my mind like a dropped blade, freezing me in place.Fora long moment,Ijust lie there, staring into the darkness.
Love—doIlove her.No,Ican’t—surely not.Wehaven’t really known each other that long.True, we’ve been through a lot together but…
“Yes, you love her—WElove her,”myDrakespeaks up.“Idon’t understand why you’re letting her go.”
I want to tell him thathe’sthe reason—butIdon’t have the heart.AllIcan think about is howI’mlosing the womanIlove.BecauseIdolove her—Ilove everything about her.
I love her laugh, soft and surprised when something delights her.Ilove the way she tries to be brave even when she’s terrified.Ilove the way she looks at the world like it might still hold something good, even after everything she’s been through.
I love too much to subject her to the fear and horror of a full bonding with me and myDrake.
I love her enough to let her go…even if it destroys me.
65
ELOWEN
I wake before dawn.
For a long moment,Ilie still beneath the coverlet, staring into the dimness of the little inn room and listening to the sounds of the city beyond the shuttered window.Somewherebelow, in the street outside, a wagon rattles over the cobblestones.Ihear a mule bray, a dog bark once and then again, farther away, and the faint cry of a vendor already setting up in the square.
It’s morning in theKing’sCity—the dayIcast the spell.
The thought should make me feel relieved.Instead, my chest aches.
I turn my head slightly on the pillow and look atTheron.He’sstill asleep—or pretending to be.It’shard to tell with him sometimes.He’slying on his back, one arm flung over his eyes, dark hair mussed and falling over his brow.Hischest rises and falls steadily beneath the thin blanket and even in sleep, he looks…troubled somehow.Tightin a wayIcan’t explain.
Then again,Idon’t thinkI’mmuch better.
I barely slept—not really.Idrifted in and out of a shallow, fitful doze all night, never fully losing awareness of the heavy warmth of him beside me.Thebed was large enough that we didn’t have to touch, butIfelt him anyway—his heat, his scent, the constant magnetic pull of him like a second heartbeat beating somewhere just beyond my reach.
And beneath all that…his emotions.
I felt them like waves all through the night—regret, sorrow, self-loathing so bitter it made my throat ache, and underneath all of it, something raw and desperate and yearning that made it almost impossible to breathe.
Longing.He’slonging for me…and yet he feels like he can’t have me.Why?
That’s the questionIkeep circling back to, the oneIcan’t seem to stop asking no matter how muchItell myself it doesn’t matter anymore.Howcan he want me and push me away in the same breath?Whydoes he hold me one moment likeI’msomething precious and then tell me, in that rough, low voice of his, that we can’t be together because he wouldn’t be good for me?
The memory of those words makes my eyes burn.Isqueeze them shut and press the heel of one hand to my chest, as ifIcan somehow quiet the hurt there by force.
It doesn’t matter—that’s whatItell myself, anyway.
It doesn’t matter because todayI’mgoing to theKing’sCourtandI’mgoing to work theTimeWeavingspell.I’mgoing to go back to the nightMirabellabullied me into following her and the other girls toGrizalyn’shouse, and this timeIwon’t let any of it happen.
No curse.Noshame.Nogreen eyes.Noruined future.
And noTheron.
The last thought lands like a stone in the center of my chest and for a momentIstruggle to breathe past the wave of sorrow that washes over me.
I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling, my throat tight.Ifhe had simply been kind to me—if he had helped me out of pity or duty or simple decency—this would be easier.Ifhe had never looked at me the way he does…never held me close… never kissed me likeIwas something he craved and cherished all at once…then maybeIwouldn’t feel so torn in two.
But he did.
Last night he pretendedIwas his wife.Hebought me a beautiful ring with his own keepsake money, selling that dragon tooth necklace his mentor made for him when he was young.Hecalled me his woman at the gate and nearly strangled a guard for insulting me.Hekissed me in the market under those lanterns and held my hand afterward like it was the most natural thing in the world…like we belonged together.
And then he lay beside me in bed and told me we could never have a future.
