I smile at this sentiment and the way he poignantly says, “old man,” a nod to the way Vik and Stephan and George would tease him.
“I’m so sorry Evergreene wasn’t a positive experience for you,” I say as I lean against the wall next to him. This is what I wanted to talk to him about. Not how obvious it apparently is that I’ve fallen for my arch-rival.
“Who says it wasn’t?”
“The boys, Vik and Stephan, they were awful. And George was worse most days…”
“Ha! You think three preppy white boys from England can bother me.” Clarence turns his mouth down and shakes his head. “No, I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up. And I got what I wanted. It paid my bills. Let me tour. Visit a lover or two along the way.”
“Oh?” I smile, pleased to be talking about his love life and not my own. “Who are the lucky ladies?”
Clarence’s eyes have never shone so brightly as he smiles. “One lucky lady and a few lucky men.”
And there I go again, breathless and startled and feeling as helpless as a fish out of water. “Really?” I say as I clear my throat.
“You’re not the only one lucky enough to feel the pull to both men and women,” Clarence says so casually I almost convince myself I’ve misheard him. But then he gives me this wide, knowing grin, and I can’t do anything but return it while laughing shyly into my terrible tea.
“Please tell me you’re just very observant,” I half-ask, half-beg. “I’ve tried so hard to keep it all … contained.”
“Why?” He surprises me by asking.
“Well, because…” I look at him, expecting him to fill in the blank himself, but his eyes are wide and expectant. “I mean, can you imagine?”
“Imagine what?”
“What people would say,” I hiss.
“Spoken like a sweet white girl who has never rocked the boat by just existing,” he mutters, mostly to himself, I believe. But I hear him, and for some reason it makes me square my shoulders and harden my jaw and think very carefully about my response.
“You keep it a secret too.” I lift my cup towards him. “I never knew you liked men as well as women.”
“You didn’t ask,” he says, and he is absolutely right. It’s funny how we all make so many assumptions about other people and so many of them are likely wrong.
Silence lands between us, but that doesn’t mean I feel quiet. If anything, my mind has never been noisier.
“The timing is terrible,” I tell him eventually, and, I suspect, myself. “I’m about to launch my solo career. Pia really wants their next album to be the one that gets them the recognition she deserves. We will both spend a lot of next year touring.”
“Ah, Pia Lindberg,” he says, and that has me lifting my gaze to him quickly, slack-jawed and wide-eyed.
“You didn’t know?”
“I had my suspicions.” Clarence winks.
I can’t help but laugh now, almost as loudly and freely as Clarence did earlier. “I thought you knew. God, I was so worried if you knew, that would mean everyone else does too, and that’s…” I stop chuckling to find my breath. “Well, it just can’t happen.”
“If you say so,” Clarence says, and he laughs when he sees my frustrated pout. “Oh, Cassie, you need to relax and enjoy what you have.”
That’s when the reality of this situation hits me. Like the final chord in a crescendo. Like the key change in a bridge. Like the final chorus of a duet, when two voices perfectly harmonise.
“But I can’t,” I almost whisper. “I can’t. Not fully. Because she is … somewhere else and I am here. And even when we are together, it’s a secret. It’s hidden. And that’s how it always has to be. We will always have to hide our love, no matter what we want.”
For once, Clarence doesn’t have a quick, quippy retort. He’s silent, and he’s staring at me so intently, I feel like he can see the part of my soul where those words tumbled from.
“And what is it thatyouwant?”
“It doesn’t matter—” I begin, but Clarence cuts me off immediately and sharply.
“What do you want, Cassie?”
