I could ask him how Des has been an amazing friend, but what would he say? Wouldn’t a question like that put him under more pressure? Gah. Stop overthinking everything, Sadie.
“Quiet people never amount to much,” I say instead.
His head snaps up. “Who says? Many famous physicists doing Nobel Prize–winning work aren’t exactly TikToking their way around the world. I’m always suspicious of people who talk a lot. Surely, it’s better to spend your time thinking?”
I start to laugh. “Don’t you think it’d be nice to be a hero, though … sometimes?”
“You need to read more sci-fi and less fantasy.”
“You could be onto something there.” I sigh. “I’ll never be a hero.”
His eyes are warm as he makes a face at me. “Perhaps you can be a quiet hero.”
I chuckle. “Like a cape-wearing, everyday, boring one who performs small acts of kindness, you mean?”
James shrugs. “Why not? Sounds amazing to me.” He looks down at the pan and his lips twist. “What kind of cape?”
“Something velvety, with magical properties. Speaking of which, I’ve always wanted a magic wand.” God, Sadie, that was a bit random. “One that works in real life, so I could make people disappear and …” Fuck, where am I going with this? “… other things.” I trail off.
But he’s looking at me like he’s listening. “I’ve got a magic soldering iron,” he says.
I bet he does.My cheeks heat, and James grins.
“That sounded awesome in my head and very rude when I said it out loud,” he adds.
Christ, if it was difficult to meet his eyes before, I can’t look at him now. I study the marble countertop.
“Sometimes I imagine that my code has magical properties,” I say.
“Oh yeah? That sounds pretty lit.”
“Like the colors of variables and my comments are sparks zipping through wires and flying out into the world.”
He laughs. “That’s amazing. Making computers do incredible things …”
I wrinkle my nose. “I was thinking more along the lines of taking down my enemies. I do it in my head sometimes.”
He adds a bit of dark liquid to the pan from a bottle labeled “balsamic vinegar.” “I can’t imagine you have a lot of enemies, Sadie.”
“Perhaps that’s the wrong word. Assholes. I’ve got enough of those in my life, for sure.”
He cocks his head at me, but God, I’m not saying anything more about Jake or anyone else. Why do I keep opening my mouth and blurting out revealing shit? I guess that’s what talking is and why I don’t do it much.
“Perhaps your magical code is a way to control things,” he says.
I stare at him. “What?” But I know exactly what he means. I never thought the little voice in my head was a way to control things, but yes, God, clearly it is.
“A way of fixing things when life gets difficult,” he adds, with a half shrug.
Christ, he can see right through me. My stomach burns.
He laughs. “It sounds like an awesome way of dealing with life throwing lemons at you.”
My stomach eases up. And perhaps talking about all this is somehow helping him? “Maybe this could be all about firsts for you, too?” I add, gesturing behind me. “First time in this apartment, first time you’ve owned a cat …”
I trail off. He’s staring out across the living room over my shoulder, and crap, I know exactly what he’s going to say next.
“First time without a girlfriend,” he says, swallowing as he looks down and stirs the mixture again. I want to gnaw on my knuckles. He’s been with Jane and only Jane, hasn’t he? Wow, that’s … If I encourage him to talk about her, would it help? “How old were you when you and Jane got together?”
