“Jane, that’s ridiculous. We were together for twelve years. I never so much as looked at another woman. Why did you think I didn’t feel like that about you? I proposed with all those notes!”
“Oh, yes!” She laughs, like she forgot about those. “Those little notes! God, all those stupid things we said and did. We were so young!”
Jane and I talked aboutnothingmeaningful, did we? Even though, if you’d asked me at the time, I would have said we were perfectly in sync. I took her back to our old school and gave her a series of notes with all the things I loved about her written on them: things she said or did that made me laugh, things we did together.
“You always take everything so calmly and rationally in your stride,” shecarries on. “Everything’s easy. There was never any drama or excitement in our relationship.”
And thank God for that. Who wants to live like that? It’d be exhausting.
“Well, maybe Kevin will give you grand gestures and drama and excitement.”
“Oh, he doesn’t deal with anything properly. He can’t fix stuff in the apartment. He just flies off the handle when things go wrong. It’s so tedious.”
This whole conversation is making me want to bang my head against a wall. “You can’t have it both ways, Jane.”
She leans forward, whispering, “There were times when I felt like you ignored me, almost deliberately.”
She says this like it’s some state secret or awful revelation. I did ignore her sometimes, but it wasn’t malicious, and it didn’t mean I didn’t like her. I wanted quiet. Time to think. You can’t live in each other’s pockets. Everyone needssomespace. Ninety percent of the time Sadie and I just sit side by side not engaging at all, absorbed in our own books. It’s blissful. But maybe I’ve made a huge assumption here, and all women want is your undivided attention. But as soon as I think it, I know that’s wrong. Sadie would be aghast if she didn’t have time to read. She ignoresme. The thought makes me smile.
“That’s just how I’m wired. I’m steady and I like my own headspace. There are subjects I care about, things I want to dig into, and I want some time to think about them.”
“Without me?”
“Of course! You wouldn’t be interested in JavaScript.”
Her lips flatten into a thin line. How did this turn into a postmortem about Jane and me? We’re not a thing anymore. I don’t even want to have this conversation; nothing I say is going to make the slightest bit of difference. She reallyisoblivious. Still, I didn’t come here just to rehash old ground. There’s something I need to say before I leave.
“Sadie isn’t conning anyone; she’s not like that.” And as Jane opens her mouth, I shake my head. “You’re not hassling her again. Turning up at the office to say what you did to Sadie was totally unacceptable. If you do that again, I’ll report you for harassment.”
Her mouth drops open.
“But if I’m being honest with you, the reason we’re never getting back together has very little to do with how much I like Sadie; it’s about you completely torching our relationship and my trust.”
Now her eyes really do fill with tears. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so harsh, but I want this to be crystal clear.
She bites her lip. “I’m so sorry, Jim-bug. I wish I hadn’t done what I did. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”
“The thing is … I don’t think you were wrong. Wewerelike brother and sister a lot of the time.”
She puts her head in her hands. “You proposed to me, James.”
“I know. And that would have been a huge mistake for both of us.”
Her eyes swim with tears. “Are you saying that this is the end?”
“I think this ended a long time ago, don’t you?”
Chapter 39
James - One Month Later
Sadie’s frowning as she turns the page in her book, and I study her surreptitiously over the top of my laptop. She’s wrapped up in a large olive-colored cardigan, and Mr. Karen is stretched out fast asleep on the couch next to her, paws pressed into her thigh. I adopted him officially two weeks ago. There’s no way either of us could send him back, and he provides so much entertainment. Out the window, the October sunshine is lighting up the dust on the windows, and I make a mental note to talk to the management company about cleaning. When I woke up this morning, Sadie wasn’t in bed; she’d already disappeared to her favorite spot in the apartment to reread a Brandon Sanderson book.
Everything’s been ridiculously quiet over the last month, except perhaps for Janus and Jo, where the arrival of baby Williams has thrown their life into chaos, and I’ve taken over the running of the business. At first, I struggled with the constant demands on my time, but I’m settling into a groove now, carving out some time in the day, and things are actually going well. There’s a different vibe in the office, a sort of calm and organized clarity that I really like, even though we’re running flat out. The team seems settled, I talk to Des every day, and Samsung is happy. Having to make fast decisions on my own is surprisingly satisfying. Who knew? I rub my eyes behind my glasses.
Jake is in jail, and Sadie and her mom will eventually testify, but the case is progressing slowly. Sadie’s mom is still in our spare bedroom, but it’s like living with the best roommate. She’s quiet and easy, and I’d bet good money that Des’s apartment has never been so spotless. She’s fixed the leaking tap and redone the seal around the bath. Clearly, she’s very used to looking after herself and getting things done, just like Sadie. Shame she can’t do the outside of the windows. All the cleaning companies she works for seem to treat their staff like dirt, but persuading her to join us in an admin role is still a work in progress. I think she thinks I’m joking every time I try to talk her into it.
“You’re staring,” Sadie says.
