I swallow hard at the sudden dryness in my throat. I think about his ribs and how badly he was hurt. I have to wonder if he went out tonight seeking relief or revenge. “What happened?” I ask quietly.
He shakes his head. “Phantom tailed me. He told me to sort my shit out.” He chuckles. “He took the fucking bat from my hands and threw it away.”
My stomach sinks as I picture Savage, furious and hurting, a baseball bat in his hands. “You didn’t use it.” It’s a statement, not a question.
He nods in agreement.
“No one was hurt,” I say.
He nods again. “Yeah, but…”
I grip his hands firmly in mine. “You made the choice.”
“Phantom made the choice. I?—”
I interrupt him, raising my voice above a whisper. “No, Savage. I don’t care that Phantom tossed your stupid bat. You have hands and guns. You could have gone to find the bat, you could have picked up a rock or a brick. You made the choice not to hurt anyone. It’s that simple.”
“Sometimes I’m not sure I’ll make the right choice. I’ve fucked up so many times.” He pulls his hands away from me and drops his face into his hands. “I’ve screwed up, Claire.”
“And so have I. So has your mom. I can’t think of a single person I’ve ever met, except Aurora, who hasn’t screwed up a lot of shit. And I know she will. One thing I told myself every day that I was pregnant was that I was never gonna raise my daughter to have false expectations of herself. My momma embraced the mess of life, and she showed me that every day is literally a new dawn.”
Savage meets my eyes, and I smile. I’m not even sad talking about this. It’s true. “I don’t know my real dad. Don’t know his name and don’t want to. My mom told me she hooked up with so many guys on the road.” I laugh. “She had fun. She only got pregnant once, though, and she decided it was a sign to try something new. And she was so, so great at it.”
I smooth my new bangs down over my forehead. “But do you think there weren’t times when she questioned whether she should have found out who my dad was? That she should have had a solid nine-to-five job instead of playing the bar circuit? I didn’t grow uphere, but when Mom got too sick to sing, this is where we were, so this is where she stayed. She literally left Neon Dawn one day, rented a house near a hospital, and said, ‘This is home now.’”
Savage licks his lips. “Your mom is your ma. That’s different.”
“How?” I demand. “How is it different?”
His face goes dark, and his eyes fall into shadows. “Could you ever really love a guy like me?”
The question throws me, and I don’t hesitate to answer it. “Yes,” I insist. “I probably already do, but I don’t want you to feel any obligation. This relationship isn’t equal. And until I can pull my own weight?—”
He waves a hand at me, but I won’t stop talking.
“You asked me, Savage. Let me answer.”
I get up from the table and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I lean forward and whisper in his ear, “All you need to know is that I trust in the man you are. Not the man you think you should be or the man you might become someday. I trust you, Savage. With my life, my daughter, and my heart.”
I let go of him, shaken by what I’ve revealed. I can’t claim this man for my own. I can’t promise him a future that I haven’t even begun to build. But I can tell him the truth I’ve come to feel, believe, and see day after day since he bought me from the filthy hands of Mad Dog and the Hellfires.
He sits at the table, looking down into his hands, until, finally, he pushes up and joins me in the living room, taking me in his arms. We don’t say more. But I’dlike to think that, together, we make a solemn pledge. Not only to each other. But to ourselves. The past is the past, and we are who and what we are.
Today.
Together.
That’s all that matters for now.
Savage stayswith me for a whole week. During the days, he sits on the floor and plays with Aurora. I make more progress on finding a job and go out only once to the mall with Savage to buy a suit that I can wear for job interviews.
We don’t talk about the past.
We don’t make promises.
We also don’t have sex.
We get to know each other all over again.
