But then Aurora blows a huge raspberry of formula, and a bubble pops, spraying spit and milk onto her face. She laughs, and her wet little face curves into such a picture of sweetness that I swear to fuck, my heart stops in my chest.
How can I say no to this?
To her?
To them?
The same universe that gave me an old man who hated me, who took out every anger and complaint on me and my mother, has delivered Claire and Auroraliterally to my doorstep. Maybe they aren’t part of a fucked-up cycle that tumbles me back and forth, round and round.
Maybe they are something totally different and new.
A fresh start. A new beginning.
Aurora’s giggle subsides, and she drops the bottle on the floor. She goes to pick it up, but I scoop it up before she can put the nipple back in her mouth.
“You got a clean one?” I nod at Claire. “Just in case that touched the floor.”
“I’ve got a clean one,” she assures me.
I make my decision right there. It’s not rational. It’s not sane. I don’t even think it’s intentional or conscious. Her bottle in one hand, I lean down and scoop up Aurora with the other. I pass the bottle to Claire, and she changes the dirty nipple out for a clean one. She hands the bottle back to me and I hand it to Aurora, but she takes it from my hand and tosses it on the floor.
“Aw shit,” I say. “We’re gonna need another nipple.”
“I know the feeling,” Claire grumbles over a wry smile.
I’m looking at her when I feel a chubby and surprisingly strong little hand grab on to one of my fingers.
“Mama.” Aurora’s babbling. “Mamaaaa.” She’s got my finger in a death grip. Then, before I know what to think, Aurora’s resting her warm, soft head against my chest and pulling my finger to her mouth.
“She might be teething,” Claire warns, picking up the bottle from the floor. She rests a hand on my thighand smiles into my face. “But she won’t break the skin if she bites you.”
The tears that burn aren’t from Aurora’s little teeth hurting my finger. They’re from Aurora’s little face, her crystal-blue eyes, her laughter, and her mother breaking down the walls around my heart. I hold on to the little kiddo like I’ll never let go.
10
CLAIRE
I’m fine.Fine. Totally fine. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. You would think having sex with Savage would have my heart in tangles and my nerves frayed like live wires, but watching Savage hold my baby does something painful and somehow perfect to me all at the same time.
I haven’t trusted anyone with her. No babysitters until Poppy’s daughters just a few days ago.
She’s all I have left. My flesh, blood, yes. But more than that, Aurora is my heart. She’s a living, breathing piece of my mama, the dad I never knew, and now, the father she’ll never know.
I even named Aurora after my mother Dawn. Aurora, like the lights in the sky that bring hope even through the darkness. Mama and Aurora share those crystal-blue eyes, and now she’s in the lap of a man I hardly know. She’s resting her head against his chest, biting his fingers.
And I’m not afraid.
I’m not comfortable, not entirely, because old habits die hard, but I’m not afraid. Not of Savage. Not of this.
I watch them together as I gather up my clothes, and I wonder if Savage has any experience with a baby.
“What does she like to do?” His question is sincere, and he’s looking at her with something like love on his face.
I mean, Aurora is such a sweet baby, it’s impossible not to love her. But still, seeing the way he looks at her heals something I never thought could be fixed.
“At her age, she should be crawling and exploring. She loves her train.” I take her pink-and-purple train and choo-choo it all the way up Savage’s pant leg, making it do a little spin on his knee. He watches intently as I play with Aurora, teasing her, making silly noises. And then he takes the train from me and makes a deep, realistic engine sound.
Aurora grabs for the train excitedly.
