He beamed at his father, who gave him a thumbs-up.
Julian’s lips turned down in confusion.
“Are you talking about the pumpkin race?” a little girl across from him asked.
“Yeah. You’re supposed to do it with your dad,” Jacob said.
Julian’s face fell, and not far behind him, Ellie shot me a look.
Sara leaned in, probably sensing my confusion. “The Harvest Festival is in two weeks.”
That I knew. Josh and I were still finishing the hayride plan.
“The big event is a canoe race,” she added. “But the canoes have to be built out of a giant pumpkin or gourd.”
“Oh.” I pressed my lips together. That was so fucking Maplewood.
“It’s a big to-do every year. Will always goes way overboard, and this year Jacob is going to paddle with him. It will be so cute.”
I nodded, keeping my face neutral, my focus fixed on Julian.
With a look of distress, he glanced at one kid after another as they talked about the boats they were building.
On our way home, I ran through scenarios that might allow me to acquire a giant pumpkin, make it seaworthy, and train my scrawny arms to paddle fast enough to win that race for him. None of them were rational. But at moments like these, all I wanted was to make my kids happy. Be two parents at once so they never had to feel like they were missing anything.
As I lay in bed next to Julian that night, stroking his hair after we reread his favorite book,The Day The Crayons Quitthree times, he looked up at me, his little face drawn.
“Mama,” he said softly.
My eyelids were heavy, but I still needed to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer and run the dishwasher before I could close them.
“I wish I had a dad.”
The words were a gut punch. I’d known they were coming, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
“Not my dad,” he whispered, fiddling with the collar of my T-shirt, his attention fixed there. “I don’t miss him.”
I opened my mouth, then snapped it shut again, deciding to let him say whatever he needed to say.
“I’m sposed to.” He curled up against my chest. “But I don’t miss him. He was mean and scared me, and I like it here without him.”
Gently rubbing his back, I kissed his forehead, my heart cracking. “That’s okay, buddy. You can feel however you want. Your dad made some bad choices. And you don’t have to miss someone who hurt you and let you down.”
He pursed his lips, thoughtful, then added, “But I want a real dad. Like Jacob has.”
“They seem like a very nice family,” I said diplomatically, even as my eyes welled.
Though it only took five seconds to lose composure, the tears falling freely. God, I wasn’t supposed to do this in front of my kids.
Julian hugged me tight. I held him just as firmly as footsteps sounded down the hall.
Then both girls were jumping into the bed next Julian.
“Mama’s sad,” he said.
Two more sets of arms surrounded me.
“Mom, you’re amazing,” Maggie said.
