Her lips parted like she was going to ask me to elaborate on that, but instead, she put her head on my chest and sighed.
“Doesn’t matter,” she whispered. “Ending a relationship is difficult every time.”
“I lived in New York before I took over the farm,” I explained. “Feels like a lifetime ago. But I worked in finance. Spreadsheets and projections, that kind of thing.”
I brushed a hand down her rib cage, letting the softness of her skin soothe me.
“My ex-fiancée, Allie, she was restless. Unsatisfied. Our relationship struggled, but I thought we’d have time to work on things. Then she got pregnant.”
Celine stiffened in my arms.
“I was so happy,” I said, forcing myself to go on. “I’d always dreamed of being a dad.”
A lump formed in my throat. Even after all these years, I still ached for it. For the thing I’d never had. I’d loved that baby so deeply, even when she was hypothetical.
I’d had the pregnancy tracker on my phone and kept track religiously. One week it was a poppy seed, the next a blueberry.
And I’d been ready. Sure, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but this child was. This child would fix things and give me the purpose I’d been lacking.
“With a dad like mine, I grew up with very specific beliefs about fatherhood. About what it meant to raise children. And even though the pregnancy wasn’t part of the plan, I was ready for the challenge.” I’d never forget that first ultrasound. Seeing the tiny beating heart, listening to its rhythm. Even now, that heartbeat haunted my dreams. The steady drum of what I’d never have. What could never be mine.
“After her first ultrasound, Allie sat me down and told me that she’d cheated on me. That she was leaving me.”
“Oh my God.” Celine sat up and threw her arms around my neck, puling me close.
“I worked too much. I was too serious. I was no fun. We didn’t go to clubs anymore.” A humorless laugh escaped me. “I assumed that I didn’t have to go to clubs after age thirty. Apparently I was wrong. I was boring.”
“You are not boring.”
“I didn’t pay enough attention or make her feel special.There was truth there. I saw that. I wasn’t an emotional guy. I kept quiet, put my head down, and worked.”
It still stung. I thought that I was enough for her. I thought what we had was flawed but real.
“We did genetic testing shortly after. Turns out I wasn’t the child’s father.”
“Oh Josh. I’m so sorry.”
At the time, the grief was unbearable. The loss of that child hit me harder than the loss of my fiancée. It felt like the cruelest blow, taking away the one thing that I’d wanted more than anything.
“She married the other guy.They had another child too. From what I’ve heard, they’re happy and healthy. When she moved out, I decided it was time for a change. So I packed up my own stuff, sold the condo, and moved home. My dad had passed and my mom was struggling to manage the farm, even with the help of Jenn and Jasper. So I came back and took over. My siblings all had their own lives and dreams. And I had nothing.”
“Not true.”
My vision blurred with tears. “Though I was suffering a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone, if that hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t have spent those last few years of Mom’s life with her. I was here when she needed me. I took care of her when she was sick. Listened to her retell stories from my childhood. And it was a blessing.”
This farm, this land, had given me purpose. It wasn’t glamorous, but my financial experience had helped me turn the placearound.
My siblings and nieces and nephews now had a financial cushion. Uncle Ed and Aunt Suzie retired. I contributed to the local economy, kept jobs local, and honored what my family had been doing for generations.
“I used to think love was an endurance event,” I explained. “That even when it felt wrong, the best thing to do was hold on.” I would have loved Allie and that baby forever if she’d wanted me to. Because that was how I was built.
And no matter what Jasper said, it wasn’t so easy. To just try again.
“I’ve had no interest in anyone since,” I explained. “The curiosity and attraction were just… gone. Gabe and Logan kept pushing me to date, to get on the apps, but I didn’t want to.”
Her hold on me tightened. I loved her in that moment. For helping me say things out loud I’d never said before. To give me space to lay out my shame and my shortcomings without judgment.
“Until you,” I said softly. “You changed everything.”
