“Yeah, when I put it like that, it doesn’t sound great, does it, Professor? I’m glad you’ve worked out who you are and finally come out of the closet, but it doesn’t change that you hurt me, and the Jasper I knew would have never done that. He would have talked to me, explained. He wouldn’t have just upped and left.” My voice broke, the emotion I was trying to hide cracking my façade, probably not helped by the rum, tears spilling down my cheeks.
“I have no idea who you are because the Jasper I knew would have never treated me like you did. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m busy, so with the greatest respect, please fuck off.”
TWENTY-FOUR
JASPER
The next fewdays passed in a painful blur. We spent the first day locked in our respective rooms, ordering room service and trying to avoid each other. I’d tried to talk to Finn when I got back from my disastrous conversation with Travis, but he’d not answered. And then today, we’d gone to the research office to meet the team so we could start to try to work out what was causing their data anomaly. Travis and Finn had been professional and polite to everyone they met, but they barely spoke to each other, and they only spoke to me when they had to. You could cut the tension with a knife, and I had no clue what to do about it.
Sitting back against my headboard, I tapped on the screen of my phone, hoping the rhythmic beat would help settle the unease weighing heavily on me. I’d been watching the hours tick by until I knew my phone call wouldn’t cause a panic. When it finally reached 7 am in the UK, I pressed the call button.
She answered on the second ring, panic tainting her familiar tone. “Jas?”
“Hi, Ma. I’m not disturbing you, am I?”
She scoffed, “Never. What’s wrong?”
I let out a sigh. “What makes you think something’s wrong? Maybe I was just calling to say hi.”
“And I hope you are, but given that you’ve only been gone for a few days and you sound like your favourite fish just died, I’m hazarding a guess.”
A soft chuckle fell from my lips, but then the anxiety returned, making my chest ache and my heart race. “I fucked up.”
“At work?” she asked, not making me feel like she was judging me.
“No, yes… I mean. I fucked up with some people at work.”
“Okay, can you tell me any more than that?”
I paused, staring up at the ceiling as I tried to work out if I could tell her my recent realisation, but I felt like I needed to talk to Jackson first, and then she deserved me to tell her face to face and not from the other side of the world.
“I will. When I get home. I promise, but I’ve hurt two people I really care about, and they both hate me.”
“Oh, Jas, I’m sure they don’t.”
My leg bounced as I spoke, nervous energy rolling through me. “They do. My PA can barely look at me, and Travis quit his job.”
She gasped. She’d spoken to Trav a lot over the years I’d lived away from home. “He loves that job almost as much as he… oh.” I wasn’t sure where she was going with that sentence, and I was too scared to ask her to clarify, so I pretended I’d not heard.
“I told anyone that would listen that I couldn’t manage without him, so now he can’t find a job somewhere else. He’s out here too, although not out of choice.”
“Jasper, why would you do that?”
“I got scared,” I told her honestly. “I can’t lose him. I can’t lose either of them, but I can’t choose.”
There was a moment of silence that I tried not to overthink. “You need to talk to them. Be honest, explain why you’ve done what you’ve done. They might not forgive you, but you’ll at least have tried. You’ve got to talk to them… tell them how you feel.”
Tutting, I shuffled to the edge of the bed. “That’s easier said than done. I don’t know if you realise, but I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings.”
“Should I be worried, Jasper?” She never called me Jasper, so I knew she was in full-blown mum mode right now. “I won’t lie. After you told me you’d been depressed and you’d never even mentioned it, I’m second-guessing everything. You can talk to me. About anything. You’ll never get anything but love and support from me. I promise.”
Emotion clogged my throat. I’d hit the jackpot with my mum. “I’m okay, I promise.” And I meant it, things had felt a little lighter recently, and I wasn’t sure if it was my move back to the UK or the fact I’d freed my repressed emotions and was finally starting to understand who I was and why I’d felt like I had all these years.
“Do you want me to fly out there? I will, you know. If you need a hug or someone to talk to. I can be there. Please don’t struggle along on your own.”
I couldn’t help but smile, my stress levels abating, washed away by the force of her words.
“Thank you. I can’t tell you how much that means, but no, I’ll be good. You’re right. I just have to talk to them and be honest about how I feel.”
