My chest grew tight as I struggled to force air into my lungs, my hand pressing over my heart as if I was trying to help it keep beating despite the lack of oxygen getting to it.
I noticed my underwear still on the floor, pulling them on so my self-hatred wouldn’t spiral any further than it had already.
Closing my eyes, I counted my breath in and out, trying to make my shallow rasps longer. Just then, the front door slammed downstairs before Helen yelled, “Fucking lying wanker,” and the bottom fell out of my world.
“I can explain,” I said as I rushed into the kitchen, having pulled on yesterday’s joggers and t-shirt.
“What?” She looked up, anger etched into her expression. “Don’t tell me you’re lying to me as well. I don’t think I could cope.” Her face softened. “Sorry, it’s been a hell of a morning.”
“I just woke up. I felt terrible that I didn’t hear you leave. That’s all I was going to say.” I hoped she couldn’t see the guilt written across my face.
Helen turned to fill the kettle before leaning back against the counter while it boiled. “If it was after twelve, I would be making this a glass of wine.”
“That bad?” I asked as I moved to get some mugs out of the cupboard.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” She tipped her head back to look up at the ceiling. “Motherfucking asshole,” she whispered, as if she was talking to the heavens.
“Who?” I questioned, confused as I made her a tea while she looked like she was about to break down in tears or explode in anger.
She didn’t answer, and I still couldn’t shake the fear that her mood was aimed at me.
“Me?” I asked as I handed her the mug that she put straight down on the counter, her hands shaking.
“No. Thomas. Motherfucking asshole.”
I buried my hand in the back of her hair, trying to ground her as nothing she said was making any sense. “Your boss? Your friend is a motherfucking asshole? The man who just died in a car crash?”
Her brows furrowed, and tears welled in her eyes. “Yes. Maybe. No. I don’t know. God, I think I’m losing my mind.”
Stroking my thumb over her jaw, I tried to soothe her, knowing she’d been through a lot. “Do you want to start at the beginning, beautiful?”
Suddenly, my shitty problems didn’t seem important because Helen was in pain and I wanted to help. I picked up her tea and pointed to the sofa. She wiped the tears from her cheeks as she moved to sit, but as soon as her backside hit the seat, she popped back up to standing.
“I can’t sit,” she declared as she began pacing. Dressed in some dark blue cropped jeans and a rust-coloured v-neck baggy jumper, her hair was pulled back from her face and I could see every emotion that appeared in her expression as she thought through whatever was going through her head.
“Helen… I can’t read your mind, so you’re going to have to tell me. You’re upset with Thomas for dying? It’s a common reaction.”
Helen’s jaw tensed as she wrung her hands together, still pacing.
“I don’t know if I can say it out loud. It’s madness. And I can’t tell anyone because, what if it’s not true, and I’m getting everyone’s hopes up? Or what if it is true, but it’s for a good reason and I put people in danger?” Her words tumbled like an avalanche from her lips.
“Helen…”
“Okay, I can’t talk about what I do or what Thomas does, but I need to say this out loud, so I’m trusting you to not tell another living soul. A lot of people could get really hurt if you do.”
I made a cross sign over my heart. “I promise. You talk and I’ll pretend I’ve not heard any of it.”
Her shoulders slumped as if I’d just shared the weight she was carrying.
“Thomas was acting weird before he left for Ireland. He had me book him onto a commercial flight, despite him having a private jet, and I booked him a two-seater sports car. Thomas had a driver and always took a bigger car—an SUV or somethinglike that… usually bulletproof. Not something that would fall off a cliff very easily.”
She came and sat next to me and even though I wanted to reach out and touch her, I kept my hands to myself because I sensed she wanted space.
“Helen, any car can lose control in the rain. I don’t think the outcome would have been different if he’d been in something bigger. And the plane thing was probably just a coincidence.”
She let out a small laugh. “If you knew Thomas, you’d know there were never any coincidences with him.”
“Okay, but I guess there’s more to this.”
