Lifting the rabbit one, my cheeks heated as I turned it on, trying to find a setting that didn’t horrify me. When I’d chosen one, I slipped it under the covers, dragging it through my folds. The sensation made my body buck, and a whimper fell from my lips.
Tentatively, I pushed the wide head to my entrance, my belly twisting with something that felt like nerves. Lifting my legs, I let them fall open, pushing the thick length inside me a few inches. I noticed the pain first. It had been years since I'd had sex and this felt thicker than my ex had been. I pushed it in further, feeling it burn.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
Rocking, I tried to edge it in further, remembering what Jackson had said about part of it rubbing against my sensitive parts, but right now, this thing was nowhere near. The vibrations felt nice, but the pain from it stretching me was all I could focus on.
I tried to relax, breathing in and out slowly, but my chest was tight, and the more stressed I got about it, the more the pain seemed to build.
Flinging my arm over my face, I sucked in a long, deep breath before pulling it out. “We will not be beaten by a vibrating penis,” I mumbled to myself before sitting up and switching the rabbit for the bullet. I shuffled back, so I was leaning against my pillows, staring down at my stomach that slightly obscured the curls between my thighs.
“Oh God, if I’m dating am I going to need to get a wax,” I muttered, annoyed. “I thought this was about my pleasure. So far, it’s just things that cause me pain.”
I remembered the one time I’d got a wax and I couldn’t walk properly for days. Shaking my head, I decided not to think about that now, turning on the bullet and pressing the tip to the back of my hand. It didn’t feel as weird as the rabbit, so I edged it between my thighs.
It felt nice, making me shudder.Maybe I could do this.I moved it back and forth, noticing how my nipples hardened and an unfamiliar feeling curled through me.
Wriggling down the bed, I opened my legs more, moving the tip of the bullet to my entrance before easing it back to where I thought my clitoris was.
My heart rate increased, my free hand curled in the sheets, I could feel my pulse hammering between my thighs, and my eyes fluttered closed.
But then the voice in my head decided to get involved, telling me that I was some weird pervert for wanting to have a sexual awakening at this point in my life and that I was broken. Otherwise, I would have done this years ago.
The pleasure turned to pain, my excitement became anxiety, and any arousal faded faster than if someone had thrown a bucket of ice water over me. Frustrated and feeling like a failure, tears pricked my eyes as I threw the second vibrator to the side, deciding I was done with all of it. Whatever the next chapter of my life entailed, sex, relationships, and orgasms were definitely not a part of it.
Jax
“God, I forgot how much it rains around here,” I moaned as I looked out of the open doors of the fire station.
“Means less fires,” Jimmy replied as he climbed out of the cab of the fire engine. That was true, but we’d had to cut a sixty-five-year-old couple out of their car earlier when they hit a tree and we’d just attended a motorbike crash where the paramedics had called ‘dead on arrival’; the vision burned into my memory for life.
“Jax, you have a visitor,” Stuart yelled through the door.
“Coming.”
I jogged through to the reception to be met with Helen, soaking wet and shivering.
“Are you okay?” I asked as I rushed toward her.
She looked furious. “Car broke down. I should have just called Thomas or one of the boys, but my phone died and this place was closer. Sorry… you’re off soon, right? Can I get a lift with you?”
I ushered her upstairs where I could at least get her a towel. “I’ve got a couple of hours left yet.”
She shook her head, her wet hair sticking to her cheeks. “Sorry. Yes, of course you have. I was just… stressed. I panicked. Thomas is going to kick my ass tomorrow when he finds out what happened. He keeps telling me to keep my phone charged.”
Jealousy flared in my chest. “Thomas?”
“My boss.”
The feelings subsided a little, but they left a weird taste in my mouth that I didn’t want to try to understand right now.
“Look, can you call me a cab? I’m freezing.”
“Tiny…” I yelled. Our 6 foot 5 newly qualified crewmate appeared almost immediately. “This is Helen. Helen, this is Tim, AKA Tiny, because he’s obviously the smallest of us all.” Tiny rolled his eyes because he hated his nickname, and now he’d be stuck with it for life.
“Helen’s a friend of mine. Can you find her something dry to wear that won’t drown her, then show her where the showers are and stand guard outside so no one walks in on her?”
He nodded.
