I know you’re scared. I know you think you’re going to cut me with all those sharp edges. But I’m tougher than I look.
And for what it’s worth… tonight was the best night of my life. Even with the part where you ran away.
I set the phone down and stared at the ceiling again.
Aspen wandered in and jumped onto the bed, settling against my side with a heavy sigh. He looked up at me with those piercing blue eyes, reproachful, like he knew exactly whose fault it was that Théo had left.
“I know, buddy,” I murmured, scratching behind his ears. “I’m sorry.”
My phone stayed silent.
I tossed and turned all night.
22. Théo
I contemplated skipping my ice time knowing Derek would be there with his earnest eyes and his gentle concern.
I had come home to a thankfully empty apartment last night—Avery must have gone out. I jerked off furiously in the shower, my hand rough and punishing, chasing a release that felt hollow compared to what I’d walked away from. Then I used up all the hot water while self-loathing under the spray, letting it beat against my shoulders until it ran cold.
I didn’t turn on my phone until this morning.
I wish I hadn’t read his messages. But I did.
You’re like a flower that hasn’t bloomed yet.
Who the fuck says things like that? Who means them? Derek Sullivan, apparently. Saint Sully with his poet’s heart and his gentle hands and his complete inability to recognize a lost cause when one sucked his dick and then bolted.
I left him on read and pulled up Sabrina’s flight details in my email instead.
She was flying in tonight and I was borrowing Avery’s horrendous Jeep to pick her up from O’Hare. Driving it felt like a punishment, which seemed appropriate.
Maybe I would skip ice time and contemplate my life choices instead. Then Sabrina and I could dissect in minute detail everything I had done wrong with Derek. My brother’s teammate. His mentor. My only sorta friend in Chicago.
Another stupid entanglement to add to my list of stupid entanglements.
And of course my natural reaction was to avoid him at all costs. Run away. Build walls. Pretend nothing had happened and hope it would eventually become true.
I couldn’t avoid him forever though. I had to think about Aspen. And Avery—who would definitely notice if his brother and his mentor suddenly couldn’t be in the same room together. And selfishly, pathetically, I liked Derek’s attention. Even if his soft looks and softer words made me want to crawl out of my own skin.
Ever the glutton for punishment, I flung myself out of bed.
Avery’s door was closed, so he had come home at some point last night. I took a quick shower—lukewarm this time, no lingering—and changed into my skating clothes. Grabbed a protein bar for the train ride and shoved my earbuds in so I wouldn’t have to think.
He wasn’t there when I arrived.
I laced up my skates and stepped onto the ice, letting the cold air fill my lungs. The rink was empty this early, just me and the Zamboni marks and the familiar echo of my blades cutting into the surface. I started with edges, then moved into footwork sequences, then threw myself into jumps until my thighs burned and my mind finally, mercifully, went quiet.
I was starting to think he wasn’t coming when the doors to the rink burst open.
Derek.
He looked tired. Dark circles under his eyes, hair still damp from a rushed shower, moving with less than his usual easy grace. He was wearing a Frost hoodie and joggers and he looked like he’d gotten about as much sleep as I had.
Jesus Christ. One night and I had already broken him.
He walked straight to the boards where I was catching my breath, hands shoved in his pockets. “I overslept so I have to get to weight training.” His eyes searched my face. “We didn’t finish our conversation last night.”
“Hard to talk with your mouth full.”
