“I went too fast for him.” I sniffed. “Scared him off.”
“Ah.” She nodded. “You’ve always been quick to give people your whole heart, Bear Bear. It’s a beautiful quality.”
It didn’t feel like a good quality right now. It felt like a curse. If I loved less, loved quieter, then maybe he would have wanted me more.
“Did I ever tell you about when your pa first told me he loved me?”
I shook my head.
“It was on our third date. I thought he was mad. Pushed him away. But he bounced back, and every time I pushed him away, he would bounce right back again. Until one time he didn’t, and I found I missed him. I was too stubborn to tell him that, of course. Wasn’t till I saw him downtown with another woman that I snapped at him and told him how I really felt.”
“It was his sister?”
“It was your damn aunt Josie.” Ma scoffed. “She thought it was real funny, by the way. But my point is, I didn’t realize my feelin’s for him until he was gone. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Maybe your man’s the same? Maybe he’s just waiting for you to bounce back again.”
“He isn’t, Ma. He… made it so I couldn’t contact him anymore.”
“Ah. Well then, Bear Bear, you are my beautiful, big-hearted ray of sunshine. You’ll get through this pain, like you’ve gotten through all the others.” She told me, just as she said she would. “But don’t you ever change, sweetheart. You have so much love to give, and it might not be this time, but there will be a time when someone will give you all of theirs as well. Andthatwill be the person who is perfect for you.”
The heat in my eyes spilled over, because I didn’t want to think about moving on or being with anyone else. “I want it to be him.” My voice broke.
“I know, sweetheart, and I’m so sorry.” Ma’s thumb swiped the tears from my cheeks. “I’d take this heartbreak from you if I could. But you’re not goin’ to lose to it. When you took hits in a fight, did you just stay on the ground?”
“No,” I sniffed.
“No. You got back up. You kept goin’. Even when it hurt. And that’s what you gotta do now. And soon it’ll hurt less, and eventually barely at all. But youmustkeep goin’. You’re not alone. You never have been, and you never will be, as long as I’m breathin’. Understood?”
“Yeah, Ma. Understood.”
“Good. Now finish your pasta, then take the trash out.”
I groaned, and Ma smiled at me.
“And then I think we’ll watch a movie. You owe me three weeks of family time.”
I rolled my eyes. Maybe she was right, and maybe this pain would pass and I would move on, but I didn’t want to. I knew the way I felt about H wasdifferent.
Losing him wasn’t just a hit, it was a knockout. The end of the fight, and I’d lost.
twenty-three
Harper
PINK CUPS AND PROMISES.
I had a dream about Logan. It had been happening a lot recently, at least on the nights I slept, and for the briefest moment, I’d feel happy. But then I’d wake up. It would fade. I’d remember what happened—his text and that he’d left me. I’d remember what Tristan said.
Even the good memories felt like a lie now.
Tainted nostalgia.
I skipped the song I was currently listening to. It just sounded wrong, the beat too fast, too urgent. It pissed me off. The next song was too slow. It pissed me off too. Too happy. Too energetic. Too loud. Too much. Skip. Skip. Skip.
It was all wrong.
I hit pause. Threw my phone across the room. Then I was running without it. The only sound was my breathing and my heavy footfalls on the treadmill. Too much. Not enough. I picked up the remote, flicking through channels just as rapidly as songs—until I saw Tristan’s face on the screen.
The remote was out of my hand before I’d thought about it, shattering glass and embedding itself in the screen right where his fucking face had been.
