“I’ve got you, okay? You’re safe.”
Worthless. Not enough. You’re never enough.
I choked. My hands pushed his away and he let me. I didn’t want him to let me. He placed them on the bed on either side of me instead.
Benny’s eyes were so soft. Filled with concern.
He sees how pathetic you are now.
“Tell me how to help you, Harpy.”
“Don’t call me that!” I snapped.
His brow pinched. “Okay. I’m sorry. I won’t anymore.”
No.I didn’t mean that.
Why did he still do everything I told him? Couldn’t he see it yet? I wasn’t what he’d thought I was. What I’dwantedhim to think I was. I was a fake. A pretender. An imposter. Acting in a role that was never meant for me.
“Tell me what you need from me.”
“I need you to go away!”
Don’t.Please.
For once in my life, I didn’t want to be left alone to fall apart where no one could see me. Judge me. I needed him to hold me together. I hated myself for it.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do that,” he whispered.
“Why?” I choked.
“Because you’re hurtin’. And I can’t leave you while you’re hurtin’.” His hand twitched, and then he raised it to my face again to wipe away fresh tears. “No. It’s more than that. I don’t want to leave you at all. Not ever.”
I cried harder. Because those were the words I wanted to hear. Because I could never accept them. Because Icouldn’thave him.
I fell forward. He caught me. His arms wrapped around me the way I’d hoped they would. He was so warm. His arms felt so safe, like something I’d never experienced before but had always been missing. He felt like home.
It was easier to breathe when he held me. His presence was my ventilator.
I shouldn’t have done it. Shouldn’t have let him hug me. Because how was I supposed to know what this felt like and then go without it again?
I mourned the loss of his hands before they’d even left me.
Then I could breathe again. My hands didn’t shake and my pulse didn’t race. I was so tired. Maybe I’d be able to sleep without staring at the ceiling for hours first if he just held me like this.
I was almost selfish enough to let it happen. Almost.
I pulled away, and he let me go. Again, I wished he wouldn’t.
My eyes met his. Soft. Warm.Dangerous.
You can’t have him.
“Pup?” I whispered.
“Yes?”
“Strip.”
