forty-seven
Harper
THE COST OF CAKE.
The chain in my pocket weighed more than any necklace ever should. I felt its presence at every moment, as heavy as the weight of my failures.
I’d failed to protect Benny and his family. I’d failed at being Benny’s Dominant, and I’d failed at being his partner.
When this was all over—and I was more determined than ever to find a way out of it—I knew I’d have to earn all those things back. I’d do whatever I had to in order to earn his trust in me again.
But first I had to find a way out.
Jonah had dragged me along with him, but he was still guarded. He didn’t give me anything real about himself, so I didn’t either.
I played the role he’d assigned me, of the dumb rich gay boy who needed protecting. It was just another mask, but it was better than letting him see my broken truth.
I was still no closer to an answer. I didn’t know how to deal with Leon. The best thing I could think of was going back and pretending to be who he wanted so I could get close enough tostab him in the back, probably literally. I just didn’t know if I was strong enough.
Without Benny, I didn’t have strength. I didn’t have color, or music.
I’d messaged Dex after we left Hollow Creek and made him break into my motel room to collect my things, because Benny had bought those clothes for me, and I wanted them back.
Jonah was… surprisingly nice. Dex had been right about him. He was protective. He’d taken it on himself to look after me without me asking him to.
More guilt to add to the crushing load on my shoulders. I was lying to him.
He shouldn’t trust me. No one should ever trust me. They’d all end up hurt. The necklace in my pocket was a physical symbol of that. I was a liar, a manipulator. Maybe I was more like my father than I’d ever been.
I was so tired, but I couldn’t sleep.
I would stare up at the ceiling while Jonah slept in the other bed, and I’d wonder how long this would last.
When I did sleep, it was because my body forced me to. It was deep and dreamless, yet somehow still provided very little rest.
Jonah had asked me the other night, “If you knew this was where you’d end up, would you still have gotten involved with him?”
I’d told him yes. I’d told him Benny loved me more than anyone ever had. I’d told him I loved him, and I would never have given up the good times we had. All of that was true.
He’d said love isn’t always enough, that sometimes it was the entire problem.
Our situations were different, and he didn’t know what he thought he knew about me, but there were similarities still. And he’d been right, love wasn’t always enough. But it wasn’t the problem. Benny’s love couldneverbe a problem. He was perfect.
The problem was Leon.
The answer… still evaded me.
Then we were out of cash. While I pretended to be clueless, my panic was genuine. I’d never been without money before. I didn’t know the first thing about working a job that wasn’t for Leon.
“How are we supposed to eat?” I’d asked him.
“We steal.”
I blinked at him. “I’ve… I’ve never stolen anything…” Well, besides Benny’s car and the tracker currently in Jonah’s pocket. “Have you?”
“I’ll do it. You can wait here.”
“No.” I stood up from the bed. I needed to learn this, because I still wasn’t able to go back home, and I needed to figure out how to survive out here on my own. “I want to help. Let me help.”
