My whole body ached to comfort Benny, but guilt tore me in the other direction. What right did I have to comfort him when I was the reason he was like this?
Before me, Benny’s gym had been thriving, Rachel had her dream job, and Matthew had a home. Now, because of me, they’d lost it all. And what did they have to show for it? Me? I wasn’t worth all this.
Why couldn’t they see that?
Maybe they would now.
It was another hour before another nurse finally came out, and this time, it was for us.
Ginny was stable.
She was going to be okay.
Benny had been able to keep it together, despite his stress, until now. He’d forced himself to be strong, though the moment we had confirmation his ma was going to be okay, beyond a significant recovery period, he broke.
Tears soaked into the fabric of my shirt.
I held him. Even though none of this would have happened if it weren’t for me, and I shouldn’t have the right, I held him.
“She’s resting,” the nurse told us. “But you should be able to see her soon.”
“Thank you,” Rachel responded, then she was squeezing in with us, and Benny’s arm shifted to hold her as well.
I had to protect them. I had to protect everyone. I had to do what needed to be done.
The hug ended, and I tried to memorize how it had felt. I wanted the feeling, the warmth, to live inside me so I could access it whenever I needed it, because I knew what I had to do now, and there wouldn’t be hugs like that after I’d done it.
My fingers traced over the leather edge of Benny’s collar, still on his neck.Harper’s Pup. The collar was a promise. But their safety was more important.
“I need to get my laptop from the car,” I lied.
He believed me. Because he was toogoodnot to. He always trusted me.
Benny pulled the keys from his pocket and handed them to me.
“I’ll be back,” I told him, and I hoped that one wasn’t a lie.
“We’ll be here,” he answered, and I nodded, taking him in, the pain and exhaustion on his face that he didn’t deserve… that wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for me.
I left quickly, before Matthew got back with the boys, because I knew he’d be able to see what Benny couldn’t. He knew what I looked like when I was keeping things from him.
I left the hospital.
I unlocked the car.
I had to fix this.
I didn’t know how, but until I did, staying here with them was only putting them in more danger, and next time we might not be so lucky.
I sat in the driver’s seat.
Every second tore at me, feeling increasingly urgent as my heart tried to pull me back to him. There wasn’t time to think about it. As soon as he noticed I’d been gone too long, he’d come looking. I couldn’t let him find me. It was better this way.
I started the car.
I pulled out of the lot.
My pulse thundered in my throat as I struggled to swallow.
