“I know.”
“I don’t think you do. So I’m tellin’ you now, my love, my heart, my prince. I will doanythin’ you tell me to do. If you want somethin’ done, I will find a way.”
I kissed him, because I believed him. I knew he really would do anything I asked of him. It was the thought of what I might ask that scared me.
I wouldn’t let myself speak it, I wouldn’t let myselfthinkit, not yet. But there was darkness growing in my core, born from fear and rage, and it called for destruction. It called for war. Vengeance. But Benny… my sweet Benny, my pup, my bear. I wouldn’t allow him to taint his perfect hands because of me.
thirty-eight
Benny
ALWAYS.
It had been a week since Matthew lost his job and moved in with me. Harper wasn’t taking it well. He’d complain to me only when we were alone. The guilt he felt around it all made him very quiet while Matthew was around.
Matthew had told him it wasn’t his fault, and so had I. I didn’t think he believed either of us, but he never said it outright. He’d just nod and be quiet until the subject changed again.
I hated seeing him so lost. I knew he wanted to do something, but what was there to do? He’d wanted to confront Leon about it, but Matthew had talked him down. He’d also talked Harper out of spending any more money on him after that first shopping haul. A big purchase like a car was only likely to get his accounts restricted.
Harper started going to work again after two days, I think because he didn’t know what else to do. I drove him to work and picked him up, because I knew he didn’t want the new driver Leon had assigned to do it, and I wanted him riding that bike as little as possible.
He could have bought himself a car by now. I liked to think he hadn’t yet because he liked me driving him around. I certainly liked doing it.
“What if it’s just a small thing?” Ma asked as she served herself a plate of pasta. I reached for the cupboard to get myself a bowl, finding it unusual she hadn’t decided to feed me.
“I don’t need to celebrate my birthday right now, Ma. Feels wrong to have a party while Harper’s so stressed. We can just do a dinner or somethin’.”
“Well, that’s exactly why we should have a party, though, isn’t it? Force some of the negativity out with cake and balloons.”
I huffed. “I think this is a little more than cake and balloons can fix.”
“Don’t underestimate my cake bakin’ skills,” she said as she blocked my path to the food.
“Just dinner. Cake for dessert if you must. No party.”
“But it’s your birthday,” she groaned.
Ma had always gone too far with birthdays. She’d invite every neighbor on the street and any person she so much as said hello to in the weeks leading up to a birthday, or any event really. She was a social creature.
“Ma, even if everything wasn’t all…” I gestured vaguely at nothing and everything. “Harper still doesn’t want to be too public. He’s not comfortable. He’s still gettin’ used to family dinners.”
I tried to step around her, and she moved between me and the stove once again. “Alright, small gatherin’. Closest friends and family only.”
I knew perfectly well it would be a miracle if she didn’t invite at least ten other “close friends” who were “basically family” tomorrow. I’d let Harper know already, and while he hadn’t outwardly said anything against it, he hadn’t seemed thrilled either.
“Family dinner. Family only,” I told her firmly.
“You’re ruinin’ all my fun.”
“Sorry, is it a party for me or for you?”
“You really want me to answer that?”
I rolled my eyes. “Family only. No negotiations.”
“Fine. Makin’ a big cake to make up for it, though.”
Once more I tried to go for the pasta. Once more she blocked me.
