Guilt gnawed at my insides, making me wish they were hollow and empty again, the way I kept them most of the time.
I turned my chair until my legs boxed him in, and he shuffled to face me between them. My fingers combed through his hair.
It didn’t feel real to have him here. To be able to touch him this way. To look at him on his knees like this. I never thought I’d be able to experience it again. I told myself I didn’t deserve it, and while I still believed that, I also knew I wouldn’t survive losing him again.
Without speaking, I moved forward, and he moved upward, until our lips whispered their longing, flirting with the softest of touches before truly connecting.
“We need to talk,” I whispered, afraid that speaking any louder would break something fragile.
Benny swallowed, his eyes filled with concern as he nodded.
If I was going to keep him, he needed to know what he was getting himself into. He needed to know everything.
“It’s… well, my dad is Leon Lorens. He’s…” How did I accurately describe my father in a way that would make Benny understand? “He’s everywhere. He controls everything.Including me. If he found out about you… I don’t know what he’d do.”
“I don’t care,” Benny responded quickly. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to be with you. I’ll be anythin’ you need me to be.”
My heart ached that he thought he had to change anything about himself at all.
“You’re perfect as you are. The problem is me. I want this, want you. But I… I can’t.”
His brow furrowed. “Of course you can.”
“It isn’t fair to you.”
“It isn’t fair to you either. So why should you have to deal with it alone? I’m here, and I’m not leavin’. I’m not losin’ you again.”
It wasn’t that simple, and I didn’t know how else I could explain that to him. “You just…” I cleared the emotion clogging my throat and tried again. “You deserve better.”
“So do you.”
I sighed. “I don’t know about that.”
“Well, I do. I don’t know everythin’ about you. Not yet. But it doesn’t matter. Because Iknowyou. And I’ll do whatever I have to so that I cankeepknowin’ you. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard. I’m here, and I’m not goin’ anywhere ever again. I’m in this with you. Whatever it is that you’re dealin’ with, you can share it with me. I can handle all of it. The only thing I can’t handle is losin’ you again.”
With every word from his perfect lips, he seeped into me, finding all the hidden, dark and cold places in my soul, lighting them up with his warmth and light.
He really did deserve better than me. He deserved to be loved in the sun, with someone as bright and warm as him. It was selfish of me to keep him. But I still didn’t have it in me to let him go and do what was best for him. Not again.
Fine then.If I’m selfish, then let me be selfish. Let me have this.
I tipped forward, slipping from my chair and into his lap. Into his lips. Claiming them with my own. Letting them express that I was sorry. That I was grateful. That I was selfish, and I’d consume him if he let me.
“Okay.” My voice was soft against his lips when we finally parted. “But… this has to be a secret. At least for now, until I can figure something else out. I don’t know how long that will take. But we can’t be seen in public, we can’t risk media attention. We’ll have to stick to seeing each other here, or at your place maybe. There might be fewer eyes on us there. I’m sorry”
Benny nodded before claiming my lips again. “Yes. Whatever I have to do, then yes.” Another kiss, and then he pulled back with so much unearned warmth in his eyes. “But can I…we… tell my family? We can trust them to keep it secret, I promise. I hate keepin’ things from them, but I will if I have to.”
The thought of anyone knowing at all made me feel nauseous, but I was already asking so much from him. “Okay. Not right away, but soon.”
He beamed at me, his arms around my waist holding me tighter. “They’ll love you.”
I wasn’t sure about that, but I wanted to give Benny everything he deserved. While this wasn’t anywhere near enough, it would have to be a start for now until I could figure out how to give him more.
“So… you’re really mine now? I get to keep you?”
His question had me fighting back a far more unwelcome warmth as it built behind my eyes. I nodded. “I’m yours. And you’re mine.”
Despite meaning every word, they felt like promising him something that wasn’t mine to give. “I just… I wish I could… I wish things were…” I sighed, letting my head fall forward to rest against his. “I’m so tired.”
