Her smile was strained. It was the kind people gave my father. “Yes, sir.”
“Anything else?”
“No.”
I waved my hand to dismiss her. The rest of the afternoon passed as it always did, until a pop-up message on my screen told me my father wanted to see me.
It was best not to keep him waiting.
I never knew quite what to expect when my father called me to his office. Never knew which fault of mine he’d pick at, or in which area I was failing to meet his expectations. What I’dexpected least, however, was the smile he greeted me with as I walked through the door.
“Harper, take a seat.”
I sank down into the leather chair across from him, trying not to let my suspicions show on my face.
“How are you?” he asked, and I really didn’t know what to do with that.
“Fine,” I answered cautiously.
A notification pinged on his screen, and he turned away from me to type for a few minutes. When he turned back, he was smiling again. “I wanted to talk to you and say I’ve noticed a change in you these last few months.”
My chest tightened. Was he worried? I knew I didn’t look myself. The nights without sleep had caused permanent bags under my eyes, and the days without food had me needing to get my clothes tailored again. The sickness inside me was spreading. It was reaching the surface. Matthew had commented on it already, so many times, but I never thought my father would notice.
“I like it.” Three words and my chest caved in. “You’re present. Focused. Keep it up and I’ll bring you in on some of our higher-level contracts.”
I was suffocating. Drowning right in front of him. I was self-harming and using this place, this company, to do it. And he liked it.
Was this my future? Was this how I ended up just like my father?
“Sometimes I fantasize about jumping from the top of this building. It would only take six seconds to reach the ground. Did you know that, Dad?” My tone was flat. Emotionless.
His smile faded. His brow dropped. My father stood from his chair and briskly marched over to the door to close it. “Have you lost your mind?” he yelled in a whisper. “Don’t say things likethat where people can hear you, unless you want to end up just like your mother, too medicated to remember her own fucking name most days. Is that what you want?”
I stared at him for a long moment before shaking my head.
“Then never speak of that again. You are the future of this company, Harper. If you look unstable, then it will look unstable. Do you understand?”
My mouth was dry as I tried to swallow, but my mask was still in place. I nodded.
“Get out. And if I hear anything like that coming out of your mouth again, there will be consequences.”
I stood, and pushed my chair back to where it belonged. “I understand.”
He opened the door, standing by it with a much more familiar expression on his face as I walked past. He shut the door behind me.
It was almost midnight by the time I finished work, and past it when I got back to my apartment. Sometimes I didn’t know why I bothered coming back home. It wasn’t like I slept much anyway. There were showers in the Lorens Tower gym, and I could keep some spare clothes in my office. The girls would be fine for a few nights here and there if I didn’t come back to them.
I’d hoped the void in my chest would ease with time, but six months after I’d last seen Benny and it only seemed to get worse.
When I was able to sleep, I’d see him, or Logan, or Tristan. I didn’t know which was worse. Tristan hurt more in the moment, but Benny and Logan hurt afterward, when I was awake again and I remembered they were gone. I was alone.
My fingers worked the knot of my tie loose.
The lights were always on, so I didn’t notice Matthew until he cleared his throat from the living room.
“It’s late, Matthew.” My voice was as exhausted as the rest of me. “You should be asleep.”
“Yes.” He frowned. “Well, I might say the same to you.”
