“Are the two not the same?”
“No. Where I am from, duty is the most important thing, and it comes before an individual's wants or feelings. If a union is desired between two houses, the bride or groom might oppose the match, but every noble has a duty to do whatever is best for their family. Noblewomen usually have it the hardest, though, as we can only marry men in our social circle or higher.” She gave a wry smile. “And gods save the woman who tries to marry for love.”
“But you are free to marry who you wish, are you not?” He raised an eyebrow at her, as if he didn’t quite believe her.
She laughed, the sound hollow. “May I have permission to speak plainly? If I were a good daughter at all, I would have married Duke Howard, been miserable, and had his children, giving my father an unbreakable tie to the Howard line.
“Noblewomen are never free to marry whom they wish. Often, women end up in loveless, unhappy marriages because of the stability offered by an advantageous match. And even if they are happy together and are blessed enough to have a child, a woman never sacrifices every inch of her health, figure, and mental well-being out ofwant. She does it out of duty to her family and to her child. Most families are built on female sacrifice because ofduty.”
He gestured to the bench on the terrace. She took a seat as he sat beside her, propping an elbow on the back of the bench. He leaned towards her and rubbed a hand over his beard. “Your opinion of women in this world is too severe. Wivesand mothers are happy. I have seen them.” He raised his brows. “What are your thoughts on marriage then? And don’t tell me that you’ve never thought about it.”
“I’m twenty-six. Of course I’ve thought about it.” She pressed her lips together, hesitating, before she said, “I’ve seen too little of the good of men, and too little of the happiness of mothers to see marriage as anything but a gilded set of shackles.” She paused. “And now that I’ve run away … I often wonder if I would be happier alone.”
He surveyed her for a moment, and she felt like his eyes were staring into her soul.
“I’m sorry,” she blurted. “I didn’t mean to speak so freely with you.” Her eyes fell on her slippers. “Forgive me.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Caspian said sharply. “I’d rather have an intelligent conversation about things that matter than have endless small talk about banal things like the weather.” He paused. “Even if I do disagree.”
She studied him. “Thank you for letting me speak freely. Sometimes I have strong opinions, even if I do usually try to keep them to myself.” She paused and smiled. “I assume there’s little chance you’ll suspect me of witchcraft and dark magic if I sound opinionated from time to time?”
He gave her a look.
Elizabeth chuckled. “A benefit of talking to a demon, I suppose.”
“I’m glad there is one.” His eyes crinkled at the corners. “So. You’re a noblewoman, yet you do not dream of love?” He looked skeptical. “I find that hard to believe.”
“Love is a fairytale,” she said softly, “and only found in works of fiction.”
Caspian gave her a wry look. “That’s the first thing you’ve said tonight that I actually agree with.”
She looked away. “Sometimes I think love is a lie they tell young women, so they’ll walk down the aisle with a smile on their face. Men are too cruel, too selfish to deserve the word.”
He shrugged. “Cruelty cuts both ways.” He looked at her for a moment, and asked carefully, as if the answer was important, “And … do you want children someday?”
She winced. “Want is an odd word. I don’t think I have much choice in the matter, if I were to ever marry.”
“But say you had a choice.”
“If I had a choice?” She paused. “Then in that case … I don’t know.”
“How can you not know? It’s a simple yes or no, is it not?”
“It’s—complicated.” She paused, pressing her lips together. After a moment, she grinned and said, “May I tell you a dark secret, Caspian?”
He leaned forward and nodded.
She hesitated but said, “I think children are adorable and precious beyond compare.” She paused. “But I don’t know if I want to give up that much of myself. I—I am selfish.”
He shrugged. “With your own happiness? I don’t think that’s selfish at all.”
“Really? You don’t think that’s incredibly horrible of me to say?”
He frowned. “Why would it be?”
She searched his face, looking for the lie, but all she found was blunt honesty she didn’t know she needed. Could he tell how many times she had stared off into space, wondering what was wrong with her for being hesitant of the future she was always told she should want?
Caspian chuckled. “Hardly a dark secret, though. I thought you were about to admit to murdering someone or robbing someone for coin.”
